What is an effective lawyer?
this question was one i found myself asking myself at the end of a simulated negotiation exercise, after we had discussed our various approaches in conducting negotiations. notably, one group was described as' incongruent bastards' who couldn't make up their minds as to whether to be nice or to kill the other side. :P
nevertheless, it was really the lecturer's last throw away remark which struck me - that the lawyer who was naive to believe the wily opposing party was really an ineffective lawyer.
then, the question presented itself : - What, then, is an effective lawyer?
the first thing that comes to mind is "one who gets the job done". this avoids the labels of 'naive', 'aggressive', 'cunning' and so many other adjectives that are thrown about - but it is not entirely helpful.
reflecting on my past legal positions and the advisory capacity of both, i found myself being hemmed in by these labels and the lack of clarity about what i needed to achieve. it seemed a very intangible mess.
therefore, it follows that in order to be effective, you must know your objectives. what you need to achieve. this is so obvious it's something easy to miss (!) esp in the face of impending deadlines and pressures from clients and bosses. and/or incompetent support staff.
the second is the throwing off of unhelpful labels. it is good to retain a sense of equilibrium and self knowledge, in order to escape being trapped by a certain image or portrayal. i wanted to be 'nice' so badly i ended up forgetting that there was a bigger objective requiring my attention. naivete cannot last forever, but it is a burden i'd like to let go of, thank you.
i can't say i will become an effective lawyer immediately, but if i do choose to reenter the arena, you can be sure i would take this into consideration and focus on these - apart from polishing up my legal skills.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
It is Jesus
"It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that other try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and fraternal."
Pope John Paul II
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
crossroads point 1
i'm still waiting, but i'm not holding my breath,
hardly a matter hanging between life and death,
i'm taken this path for so long, it's taken me thus far,
going to keep walking till i reach that faraway star.
nobody can tell me i shouldn't feel this way
those dreams mean nothing, and that's what they say,
if i'm standing up for someone, i'd have to start with me,
or else i huddle in a corner, shivering cowardly.
so yes to the things i hold so close to my heart,
and a joining of the fragments of self, part by part,
i'm starting again, this time i know just that wee bit better,
sometime soon somehow i'll make all this matter!
hardly a matter hanging between life and death,
i'm taken this path for so long, it's taken me thus far,
going to keep walking till i reach that faraway star.
nobody can tell me i shouldn't feel this way
those dreams mean nothing, and that's what they say,
if i'm standing up for someone, i'd have to start with me,
or else i huddle in a corner, shivering cowardly.
so yes to the things i hold so close to my heart,
and a joining of the fragments of self, part by part,
i'm starting again, this time i know just that wee bit better,
sometime soon somehow i'll make all this matter!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Reflecting anew / Of weddings and new births / mounting a challenge
Reflecting anew - and reevaluating my relationships. it's a fallacy to think that we exist in isolation, and the old aphorism that 'no man is an island' per John Donne rings true.
i've had cause to relook certain relationships in my life after a sequence of events recently, some of which hurt and disappointed me greatly.
perhaps i would have said i ought to forgive and forget, and move on. as if it were that simple. if only. i find that i first need to acknowledge my wounds and accept that it did happen. and taking another look around, find that i too have changed in the passage of time. it was not just the other.
i cannot pretend things are the same anymore. and what happens next?
discerning where this needs to move to, through God's grace and wisdom.
forgiveness comes from acceptance, and i am now struggling with that, even as i come to terms with what happened - learning to overcome the oh-so-human tendency to deny and minimise.
but even then, no regrets. a heart made of flesh and blood can be broken, so why open it up? why even let anyone in? because if i didn't, i could never be fully alive.
***
attending weddings. tis the season to be married. congratulations to dear Vikram and Marietta. i am truly happy for both of you :)
and the season for new births - Anne and Sherry and even my sis! :) little baby Jared who is now 3 months old, your aunty Pet loves you!
don't ask me when my turn is. bf pun takde, how to make the jump??!
***
mounting a challenge keeps me going. counting down the days now and learning to trust more in His love than in my own weaknesses . amen!
i've had cause to relook certain relationships in my life after a sequence of events recently, some of which hurt and disappointed me greatly.
perhaps i would have said i ought to forgive and forget, and move on. as if it were that simple. if only. i find that i first need to acknowledge my wounds and accept that it did happen. and taking another look around, find that i too have changed in the passage of time. it was not just the other.
i cannot pretend things are the same anymore. and what happens next?
discerning where this needs to move to, through God's grace and wisdom.
forgiveness comes from acceptance, and i am now struggling with that, even as i come to terms with what happened - learning to overcome the oh-so-human tendency to deny and minimise.
but even then, no regrets. a heart made of flesh and blood can be broken, so why open it up? why even let anyone in? because if i didn't, i could never be fully alive.
***
attending weddings. tis the season to be married. congratulations to dear Vikram and Marietta. i am truly happy for both of you :)
and the season for new births - Anne and Sherry and even my sis! :) little baby Jared who is now 3 months old, your aunty Pet loves you!
don't ask me when my turn is. bf pun takde, how to make the jump??!
***
mounting a challenge keeps me going. counting down the days now and learning to trust more in His love than in my own weaknesses . amen!
Sunday, April 04, 2010
blessed easter / the encounter/ continuing the journey
Blessed Easter to all.
Alleluia - the Lord is risen indeed.
After a Lenten period which culminated in what i can only describe as bleak circumstances this Good Friday, i felt like all was lost indeed.
tell me what was i fighting for, what i was striving for, lost. indescribably lonely and sad.
pulling out of Putrajaya that hot afternoon, i made my way to SIC - everywhere the roads seem jammed to the max. where was everyone going off to? to church as well? i parked at the playground, the church was at least 1 km away only to discover that service started at 2pm. i was late.
i ended up going to SFX just in time for the 3 pm service. and just as the cross was being venerated, i felt something tugging at my heart which had become sore and heavy.
who was this Christ who died for me? who was He indeed? an abstract, historical concept? i missed His nearness to me, i missed His presence. i missed Him.
the clincher came when it was time to receive communion. the sense of taking something of my Lord, it becoming a part of me put the entire crucifixion in a different light. if humans were designed to love themselves, then sin had turned it into a veritable religion and destroyed the dignity inherent in recognising man as originating from God. this self mutilation through sin (as described by Fr. Simon in his stirring homily) was a thing i knew very well - i had been guilty of it so many times in my life.
i was loved. and am loved. and will continue to be loved for all eternity. He did not die for an empty reason. and despite my broken self, He loved me first and loved me best to the point of taking on all my sufferings. i was in pain, i am in pain, and i am sure life will bring me fresh pain in the future. but who am i to reject Him in seeing these through to the dawn?
i draw close to Him through His sacraments, prayer- sincere though weak, and reading His word. even if tomorrow i still know no answers, knowing His love is enough for me. come what may.
***
when you think about friends, you usually think about friends from school, uni, those you meet at work.
and when you meet someone who opens your heart and mind, and blows you away by being kind and open and willing to pray and journey with you, what do you say? what do you do?
you call that one a friend. and see in her actions, God's love and grace. respond in kind and trust.
in the intimacy of that space, prayer united us both and brought me to seeing something beautiful in all i have gone through. so used to turning away, enfolded in our own trials and worries, when someone turns and cares, it's simply amazing.
***
continuing the journey. undefined markers as yet. but the destination is certain. ah for the confidence in Him and to please Him above all :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Do you trust Me / A Witness to Hope / Self Knowledge
As some of you may know by now, I am currently attending the Quick Journey through the Bible classes on Sunday and expect to graduate next Sunday (end of March). We're currently halfway through the Old Testament, having covered the Early World, the Patriarchs, Exodus and Exile and Desert Wanderings.
it sounds like a whole lotta history. but over and over again, this question resounds : do you trust Me? do you trust that I have a plan for your life?
the Israelites failed God time and time and time again. it's borne out in terrible consequences which are painful to read, let alone go through.
and i find myself being asked the same question as some recent developments take place. i had made a determination, and now things change again, as if underscoring how little control i really have over my life no matter what illusions i may cherish.
i don't know what the future will hold. i am living one day at a time, and learning that besides trusting His plan for me, i need to believe with my heart and soul He desires the best for me, and for my happiness.
let's make this happen, God. for if it is what you will for me, let us make it happen.
amen.
***
John Paul II - a Witness to Hope.
watching the documentary together with the others las night after Praise and Worship, a thought came to me, and refused to leave.
the thought was on the inherent worth of the human person. the intrinsic value of the human being.
regardless of modernity's mad march through the ages, human beings continue to hold in them value which is inherent and intrinsic. the dehumanisation and objectification of people did not begin only yesterday. it entered into full swing in the Industrial Revolution, when people became mere producers of output from machines which they operated to the Information Revolution/ Internet Revolution when information became the new byword and people their online personae.
there is much more to a person than all that. each of us has been created in His image and likeness, wonderfully and fearfully made - and this message gets lost in the crunch of daily life. of trying to get our point across. in trying to make a living.
for me, John Paul II's work on the value of life (as opposed to death) has wide implications.
i am fortunately not involved in any situation involving abortion or euthanasia as of now; even then, the value of life is an affirmation of the value of human beings, no matter what they have done or will do.
it opens me up to recognising the distinction between sin and the sinner. one is to be shunned at all costs, and the other to be loved at all costs. i used to slap labels on those who hurt me, and slap labels on myself. now recognising that the dignity of humanity is greater than those restricting labels, i am looking at a bigger and better way of living.
sin is real, and its effects just as real. but the real question is this: is sin greater than love?
***
self knowledge comes through knowledge of Jesus.
working on this one. the journey from the head to the heart is the longest journey there is. but patience, there is an eternity for these sorts of things.
round this side of Heaven, struggles don't stop, there are always things which need to be resolved, but to know i am not and never alone makes all the difference to me.
it sounds like a whole lotta history. but over and over again, this question resounds : do you trust Me? do you trust that I have a plan for your life?
the Israelites failed God time and time and time again. it's borne out in terrible consequences which are painful to read, let alone go through.
and i find myself being asked the same question as some recent developments take place. i had made a determination, and now things change again, as if underscoring how little control i really have over my life no matter what illusions i may cherish.
i don't know what the future will hold. i am living one day at a time, and learning that besides trusting His plan for me, i need to believe with my heart and soul He desires the best for me, and for my happiness.
let's make this happen, God. for if it is what you will for me, let us make it happen.
amen.
***
John Paul II - a Witness to Hope.
watching the documentary together with the others las night after Praise and Worship, a thought came to me, and refused to leave.
the thought was on the inherent worth of the human person. the intrinsic value of the human being.
regardless of modernity's mad march through the ages, human beings continue to hold in them value which is inherent and intrinsic. the dehumanisation and objectification of people did not begin only yesterday. it entered into full swing in the Industrial Revolution, when people became mere producers of output from machines which they operated to the Information Revolution/ Internet Revolution when information became the new byword and people their online personae.
there is much more to a person than all that. each of us has been created in His image and likeness, wonderfully and fearfully made - and this message gets lost in the crunch of daily life. of trying to get our point across. in trying to make a living.
for me, John Paul II's work on the value of life (as opposed to death) has wide implications.
i am fortunately not involved in any situation involving abortion or euthanasia as of now; even then, the value of life is an affirmation of the value of human beings, no matter what they have done or will do.
it opens me up to recognising the distinction between sin and the sinner. one is to be shunned at all costs, and the other to be loved at all costs. i used to slap labels on those who hurt me, and slap labels on myself. now recognising that the dignity of humanity is greater than those restricting labels, i am looking at a bigger and better way of living.
sin is real, and its effects just as real. but the real question is this: is sin greater than love?
***
self knowledge comes through knowledge of Jesus.
working on this one. the journey from the head to the heart is the longest journey there is. but patience, there is an eternity for these sorts of things.
round this side of Heaven, struggles don't stop, there are always things which need to be resolved, but to know i am not and never alone makes all the difference to me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
temptations and the season of lent
it's far too hot now for my liking, i m sweating even as i type this. the kind of heat that settles into the deepest pores of your skin and forces the sweat out and you feel your entire body on fire.
now perhaps it's only time that those old and bitter memories float to the surface - awaiting another round of challenge this season of lent. the faces, the names, most days they don't mean a thing. some days, especially in seasons like these, they come up with a vengeance.
my own.
sometimes i wish that i had told off that stupid overzealous religious nut what i thought of him, instead of being so accepting and polite, and letting the anger inside simmer. you don't fool me, no, keep on smiling, and i'll still see those fangs beneath the lips - devil that you are.
sometimes i wish i had adamantium claws and like Wolverine, i would claw out at those fools, those who had dared to render me such humiliation. and watch, as the pieces of skin fall on the floor, mixed with a congealed mass of blood.
it's only to be expected - these trial(s). come the season, i sit alone, struggling with these feelings, trying to remind myself that i am who i am now, new challenges await my attention and effort, relationships which require my love and affection.
the sense of loss which accompanies these feelings (as they arise) is something i used to ignore. but looking more deeply, i think it's time to acknowledge the pain and suffering i had gone through. even if it means that some parts of my past are places i'd rather not revisit. nothing takes kindly to rejection, nothing lives to its fullest when it is pushed away from the light.
yet i believe that even when pressed to re-enter those places, i will still be able to move through them in the light of grace.
those who are already pure have no need of further purification. even if i run away to the ends of the earth, i would still hold these burdens within me.
and in recognising how impure i am within, how much bitterness is still within me (although much less powerful now), i invite Him to be with me as He has promised to make all things beautiful in His time.
i know i have healed completely when as a matter of course, the memories return and i am bitter no more.
now perhaps it's only time that those old and bitter memories float to the surface - awaiting another round of challenge this season of lent. the faces, the names, most days they don't mean a thing. some days, especially in seasons like these, they come up with a vengeance.
my own.
sometimes i wish that i had told off that stupid overzealous religious nut what i thought of him, instead of being so accepting and polite, and letting the anger inside simmer. you don't fool me, no, keep on smiling, and i'll still see those fangs beneath the lips - devil that you are.
sometimes i wish i had adamantium claws and like Wolverine, i would claw out at those fools, those who had dared to render me such humiliation. and watch, as the pieces of skin fall on the floor, mixed with a congealed mass of blood.
it's only to be expected - these trial(s). come the season, i sit alone, struggling with these feelings, trying to remind myself that i am who i am now, new challenges await my attention and effort, relationships which require my love and affection.
the sense of loss which accompanies these feelings (as they arise) is something i used to ignore. but looking more deeply, i think it's time to acknowledge the pain and suffering i had gone through. even if it means that some parts of my past are places i'd rather not revisit. nothing takes kindly to rejection, nothing lives to its fullest when it is pushed away from the light.
yet i believe that even when pressed to re-enter those places, i will still be able to move through them in the light of grace.
those who are already pure have no need of further purification. even if i run away to the ends of the earth, i would still hold these burdens within me.
and in recognising how impure i am within, how much bitterness is still within me (although much less powerful now), i invite Him to be with me as He has promised to make all things beautiful in His time.
i know i have healed completely when as a matter of course, the memories return and i am bitter no more.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
from eros to agape / grace / discerning the path
for the longest time, he was my best friend. i'm still not sure when i fell in love. or when it all changed into something else. but we saw each other through good and bad moments, we cried together in the face of the death of one of his dearest friends, and we celebrated each other's successes and cherished the dreams we held deep in our hearts.
we shared something so beautiful - every single Friday, i lose count now, i waited for his e-mail, and ready to write something in return.
he probably didn't know this, but he always made me smile. whether online. or in person.
whatever was there shattered into one million and one pieces that fateful day. and he told me, he stopped believing in God. stopped trusting in people. told me to STOP praying for him. even though he knew it would break my heart-which it did, inevitably. he made me promise to stop, through the tears that were streaming down. my somewhat disordered personal universe crashed and burned, turned upside down.
it took me a countless number of poems, a round of alcohol, some stupid things i did in the search for a stop to this pain, so many times driving about in circles crying, and finally Christ alone to heal this broken heart. and much more importantly, to shift the love which i had for him (and he to me) from eros to agape. to truly will the good for him.
i came to realise that i m not his saviour. i couldn't be the person to show him that God is love - my shoulders are far too frail for that. i can pray for people to meet him and touch his life and open his eyes up to seeing God as a loving creator who accepts him as he is. (how's that for circumventing the promise i made earlier? law school is useful for something, no? ;)
happy birthday in advance. here's to friendship. and prayer. lots of it!
***
grace is what happens when we trust in Him. and that means even in the midst of confusion and tiredness and stress, you see a way out and holding His hand, move even-footed into the future, with a steadily beating heart.
***
another life choice? given the circumstances, it wasn't really that unlikely. i m currently discerning the path. 3 choices - and all 3, not without their attractions and fears.
the fact is, regardless, i cannot count on this life to contain in it the sum total of meaning and happiness and no matter the path i eventually take, it is to glorify His name and draw myself and others closer to Him which must be done.
keep me in prayer too, please. and if the end result surprises you, i think it will surprise me even more.
***
we shared something so beautiful - every single Friday, i lose count now, i waited for his e-mail, and ready to write something in return.
he probably didn't know this, but he always made me smile. whether online. or in person.
whatever was there shattered into one million and one pieces that fateful day. and he told me, he stopped believing in God. stopped trusting in people. told me to STOP praying for him. even though he knew it would break my heart-which it did, inevitably. he made me promise to stop, through the tears that were streaming down. my somewhat disordered personal universe crashed and burned, turned upside down.
it took me a countless number of poems, a round of alcohol, some stupid things i did in the search for a stop to this pain, so many times driving about in circles crying, and finally Christ alone to heal this broken heart. and much more importantly, to shift the love which i had for him (and he to me) from eros to agape. to truly will the good for him.
i came to realise that i m not his saviour. i couldn't be the person to show him that God is love - my shoulders are far too frail for that. i can pray for people to meet him and touch his life and open his eyes up to seeing God as a loving creator who accepts him as he is. (how's that for circumventing the promise i made earlier? law school is useful for something, no? ;)
happy birthday in advance. here's to friendship. and prayer. lots of it!
***
grace is what happens when we trust in Him. and that means even in the midst of confusion and tiredness and stress, you see a way out and holding His hand, move even-footed into the future, with a steadily beating heart.
***
another life choice? given the circumstances, it wasn't really that unlikely. i m currently discerning the path. 3 choices - and all 3, not without their attractions and fears.
the fact is, regardless, i cannot count on this life to contain in it the sum total of meaning and happiness and no matter the path i eventually take, it is to glorify His name and draw myself and others closer to Him which must be done.
keep me in prayer too, please. and if the end result surprises you, i think it will surprise me even more.
***
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Year End Review
It's almost the tail end of 2009. As i listen to the strains of yet another Christmas song, i sit and reflect on what has made 2009 such a memorable year for me.
Firstly, of course, is my career change. i had not imagined that i would end up working as Federal Counsel in the Attorney General's Chambers, in Putrajaya no less. after a year and a half of wandering about in the land of conveyancing and banking work, it seemed a tremendous sea change, and truth be told, quite scary too. some of the people around me predicted a terrible fate for me, an unending abyss of darkness. i was consigning my future to something bleak and black.
but this has to be the best thing that happened to me yet. taking a deep breath and then the plunge, it's not always been peaches and cream but the variety of tastes, experiences and the knowledge i've gained in terms of legal and non-legal aspects has been amazing. and more than makes up for the painful and depressing moments. and being snowed under at times by loads of work! :D
i like the fact that in the right light, what i do does make a difference. no matter what people say or tell me, or how civil servants are often dismissed as being unthinking beings who are lazy and have an easy life, i know that's not the truth and we do so much more. there's a lot more i can (and will) give.
what the future holds i don't know. but i m taking it with an open heart, and an open mind.
***
of course, this change opened the door for a greater involvement in Lifeline CG and Catholic Lawyers Society. and more than just simply joining in activities, i have come to love and serve God on a deeper and much more fundamental level. i talked about this earlier, and i m still continuing on the journey with Him.
it's about recognising Him in everything i do, and whatever that happens. and coming to love Him has opened the door to loving myself a lot more. i learned to value my strengths and talents, and know when i m being taken advantage of, and to learn from Him, slowly, the steadfastness and steadiness of heart all His servants have.
i have also participated in so many fun activities since - from talks on freedom of religion, to Bible Study/CG on Friday nights (such a change, i used to dread Friday nights last year - another empty weekend in a meaningless existence, did i live to just work? and work some more?) to the Star of the Sea retreat in Cameron Highlands - the great Strawberry WeekEnd! :D
i've become a lot lighter of heart. a lot happier. even when things go wrong, as they do every now and then. but looking at the bigger picture takes courage and faith and God has been gracious enough to give them to me in spades!
***
the fact is that i m not exactly in the best of shape physically. of course, the career change has shifted me from swinging between deprivation and over-indulgence to a more balanced diet, but not enoughphysical exertion. Putrajaya is not exactly near many places of fun, and sometimes by the time i get back, it's already quite late and i m too tired to exercise.
well, i will need to rethink my fitness plans, and the coming year presents me a prime opportunity to do so. martials arts classes are appealing. more so than dance classes. :P in the pipeline, peeps.
***
this is it. for now. i think on many fronts, 2009 was SUPER WAY BETTER than 2008. at least i don't feel empty and bored. as i did last year, right around this time. and that time i wondered what the hell, is there all there is to life? i m happy to report that that is not the case ...
and for that alone, thanks be to Him whose birth we celebrate :)
Blessed Christmas and Happy 2010!
/EDIT i managed to make the ps here come true. i feel absolutely blessed! :D who says wishes don't come true eh? 2009! woots!
Firstly, of course, is my career change. i had not imagined that i would end up working as Federal Counsel in the Attorney General's Chambers, in Putrajaya no less. after a year and a half of wandering about in the land of conveyancing and banking work, it seemed a tremendous sea change, and truth be told, quite scary too. some of the people around me predicted a terrible fate for me, an unending abyss of darkness. i was consigning my future to something bleak and black.
but this has to be the best thing that happened to me yet. taking a deep breath and then the plunge, it's not always been peaches and cream but the variety of tastes, experiences and the knowledge i've gained in terms of legal and non-legal aspects has been amazing. and more than makes up for the painful and depressing moments. and being snowed under at times by loads of work! :D
i like the fact that in the right light, what i do does make a difference. no matter what people say or tell me, or how civil servants are often dismissed as being unthinking beings who are lazy and have an easy life, i know that's not the truth and we do so much more. there's a lot more i can (and will) give.
what the future holds i don't know. but i m taking it with an open heart, and an open mind.
***
of course, this change opened the door for a greater involvement in Lifeline CG and Catholic Lawyers Society. and more than just simply joining in activities, i have come to love and serve God on a deeper and much more fundamental level. i talked about this earlier, and i m still continuing on the journey with Him.
it's about recognising Him in everything i do, and whatever that happens. and coming to love Him has opened the door to loving myself a lot more. i learned to value my strengths and talents, and know when i m being taken advantage of, and to learn from Him, slowly, the steadfastness and steadiness of heart all His servants have.
i have also participated in so many fun activities since - from talks on freedom of religion, to Bible Study/CG on Friday nights (such a change, i used to dread Friday nights last year - another empty weekend in a meaningless existence, did i live to just work? and work some more?) to the Star of the Sea retreat in Cameron Highlands - the great Strawberry WeekEnd! :D
i've become a lot lighter of heart. a lot happier. even when things go wrong, as they do every now and then. but looking at the bigger picture takes courage and faith and God has been gracious enough to give them to me in spades!
***
the fact is that i m not exactly in the best of shape physically. of course, the career change has shifted me from swinging between deprivation and over-indulgence to a more balanced diet, but not enoughphysical exertion. Putrajaya is not exactly near many places of fun, and sometimes by the time i get back, it's already quite late and i m too tired to exercise.
well, i will need to rethink my fitness plans, and the coming year presents me a prime opportunity to do so. martials arts classes are appealing. more so than dance classes. :P in the pipeline, peeps.
***
this is it. for now. i think on many fronts, 2009 was SUPER WAY BETTER than 2008. at least i don't feel empty and bored. as i did last year, right around this time. and that time i wondered what the hell, is there all there is to life? i m happy to report that that is not the case ...
and for that alone, thanks be to Him whose birth we celebrate :)
Blessed Christmas and Happy 2010!
/EDIT i managed to make the ps here come true. i feel absolutely blessed! :D who says wishes don't come true eh? 2009! woots!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
the sparkle and shine of a life well lived
the sparkle and shine of a life well lived do not always translate into a sparkling and shiny body, whole and immaculately perfect.
what do i mean? i mean that a life well lived does not mean that the body will be spared. in fact the reverse is true ... in that living life well, we will necessarily go through many different experiences, some fun, some not so fun, some bordering on hellish.
and each will play their part in forming who we are. and leaving marks on our body.
i like to look back and see i m not afraid of new experiences, not so much at least, and taking the future one day and one step at a time. the empty dread which used to greet me when i opened my eyes (especially true round this time last year) has given way to something far more hopeful and far more wonderful than i could ever imagine.
i might end up alone and unloved. unmourned, unremembered. no one to dispel the darkness of the night, spending holidays and festive occasions by myself. i might stay stuck in a dead end job, walking into an abyss that bodes a fate worse than death.
OR
i might find that each day has its own share of delight ... and that alone or not, i am never lonely when i remember that my Creator loves me. and service is what i aim for, being a libation poured out for all. no matter who, whether i like you or not - for my service is born of love, a pale reflection of my Lord's love for me. if i serve best as a single, so be it. if my service is called forth more fully in married life, so be it. if through His call for me, the religious life beckons, so be it.
taking the steps of faith, i'm amazed i came this far. who knows what will happen next? i don't ... and i m not out to second guess Him.
come what may, Lord, you are with me always. and let there be the sparkle and shine of a life well lived be reflected in my eyes, my smile and my laughter - regardless of how i may be feeling at the moment, or what i have to endure in serving You. :)
what do i mean? i mean that a life well lived does not mean that the body will be spared. in fact the reverse is true ... in that living life well, we will necessarily go through many different experiences, some fun, some not so fun, some bordering on hellish.
and each will play their part in forming who we are. and leaving marks on our body.
i like to look back and see i m not afraid of new experiences, not so much at least, and taking the future one day and one step at a time. the empty dread which used to greet me when i opened my eyes (especially true round this time last year) has given way to something far more hopeful and far more wonderful than i could ever imagine.
i might end up alone and unloved. unmourned, unremembered. no one to dispel the darkness of the night, spending holidays and festive occasions by myself. i might stay stuck in a dead end job, walking into an abyss that bodes a fate worse than death.
OR
i might find that each day has its own share of delight ... and that alone or not, i am never lonely when i remember that my Creator loves me. and service is what i aim for, being a libation poured out for all. no matter who, whether i like you or not - for my service is born of love, a pale reflection of my Lord's love for me. if i serve best as a single, so be it. if my service is called forth more fully in married life, so be it. if through His call for me, the religious life beckons, so be it.
taking the steps of faith, i'm amazed i came this far. who knows what will happen next? i don't ... and i m not out to second guess Him.
come what may, Lord, you are with me always. and let there be the sparkle and shine of a life well lived be reflected in my eyes, my smile and my laughter - regardless of how i may be feeling at the moment, or what i have to endure in serving You. :)
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
one of those days again
one of those days again, when i fell asleep on my bed from dinnertime til about 12 plus, minus showering, minus taking off my contacts. woke up feeling grouchy, joints all coming loose and tired but not tired either i.e. cannot sleep.
so i m still up now.
maybe because i came across something which disturbed me a fair bit yday morning? i think so too. i mean, it's not like i don't respect your choices or the fact you're an adult now, but to think, you were so near and now you've gone so far. i've moved beyond viewing the fundamentals in life in relative terms ... if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
reflecting on things, i didn't think i actually knew who you were...
nevertheless, it doesn't negate the hopes i placed in you, misplaced as they were. hohoho. i put so much hope on an almost complete stranger.
or the feeling, once again, of standing out like a sore thumb. until i learn to let go, gracelessly at first, then gracefully. i mean, these are people, for better or in this case, for worse - whether narrow minded or hypocritical, prone to gossip, there's still something good to be found in them.
and instead of curling up in a corner, fit to die, i m thinking about people who suffer the same way: 'hey you know. i understand what you are going through, all you who get put down like that. i know the texture and taste of this pain and rejection - and you know what, you'll make it through'.
just don't give up. easier said than done, though. i m still hanging on by sheer grace!
the stress of unmet deadlines, looming ominously on the horizon. a million and one uncompleted tasks - some which involve so many others! and writers' block is not helping any.
sometimes i doubt my own judgment, but then again, if i don't start learning to trust myself, when will i do so? now is a good time. :D besides, i m the only one who actually knows me, body, soul, mind.
broiled cocktail sausages + a cup of cold soyabean for dinner.
i m sure i'll look like crap come time for work. but hey, i've been through worse. and trust me on this, there's nothing that my God cannot handle. or in other cases, give me His grace to see me through.
if you're reading this, pls pray for me. all petitions greatly appreciated. Amen.
so i m still up now.
maybe because i came across something which disturbed me a fair bit yday morning? i think so too. i mean, it's not like i don't respect your choices or the fact you're an adult now, but to think, you were so near and now you've gone so far. i've moved beyond viewing the fundamentals in life in relative terms ... if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
reflecting on things, i didn't think i actually knew who you were...
nevertheless, it doesn't negate the hopes i placed in you, misplaced as they were. hohoho. i put so much hope on an almost complete stranger.
or the feeling, once again, of standing out like a sore thumb. until i learn to let go, gracelessly at first, then gracefully. i mean, these are people, for better or in this case, for worse - whether narrow minded or hypocritical, prone to gossip, there's still something good to be found in them.
and instead of curling up in a corner, fit to die, i m thinking about people who suffer the same way: 'hey you know. i understand what you are going through, all you who get put down like that. i know the texture and taste of this pain and rejection - and you know what, you'll make it through'.
just don't give up. easier said than done, though. i m still hanging on by sheer grace!
the stress of unmet deadlines, looming ominously on the horizon. a million and one uncompleted tasks - some which involve so many others! and writers' block is not helping any.
sometimes i doubt my own judgment, but then again, if i don't start learning to trust myself, when will i do so? now is a good time. :D besides, i m the only one who actually knows me, body, soul, mind.
broiled cocktail sausages + a cup of cold soyabean for dinner.
i m sure i'll look like crap come time for work. but hey, i've been through worse. and trust me on this, there's nothing that my God cannot handle. or in other cases, give me His grace to see me through.
if you're reading this, pls pray for me. all petitions greatly appreciated. Amen.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
the second birth - and beyond
i write this entry simply to describe the beginnings of my second birth, and to chart my tale beyond my second birth. and in essence, to share the good news i have received.
it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that i've been laden for so long with so much emotional baggage that i couldn't imagine a life without those burdens. day in day out, struggle with uncertainty, with a painful lack of self confidence, with the wounds which others and i myself have inflicted on my being all this while ...
so when i started my devotion to the rosary in the month of October, i was the most surprised person. and grace led me to ask for inner healing, because i had begun to sense in myself the festering, gaping wounds within caused by long unresolved matters.
Mother Mary's intercession led to a turn of events i can only describe as providential - and which opened my heart up to truly receiving my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. not just at head level, after all, i had read theology, attended Mass and CG, participated in Bible Study and i grasped many an abstract concept in my Sunday School days where most of my peers were still playing about with puppy love - but truly at heart level. where i was most vulnerable and most hurting.
i learned how to slowly open up my emotional baggage and to look the past in the eye, instead of running away from the pain. and i was able to do that, only because He was there with me.
i learned that unforgiveness, whether of other or of the self, is costly and creates waves of unhappiness which reach out beyond the years into the present and even the future.
i learned that He had always been there, and He was there when i was in my greatest trials. when i felt all alone, and seeing Him in tears, for all of the times i had ignored him brought tears to my own eyes. can you imagine both of us crying? it sounds funny now though ...
i learned that standards are both man made, and God made. and while it's tiring to live by man's standards, God's standards are far more difficult and less wearing out.
life cannot go back to the way it was on so many levels. it's waking up ready to face the day and knowing that everything is in His hands and that gives you courage and strength to deal with the day :D
(will follow up with an entry on prayer - cheers, and keep on praying unceasingly per St Paul)
it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that i've been laden for so long with so much emotional baggage that i couldn't imagine a life without those burdens. day in day out, struggle with uncertainty, with a painful lack of self confidence, with the wounds which others and i myself have inflicted on my being all this while ...
so when i started my devotion to the rosary in the month of October, i was the most surprised person. and grace led me to ask for inner healing, because i had begun to sense in myself the festering, gaping wounds within caused by long unresolved matters.
Mother Mary's intercession led to a turn of events i can only describe as providential - and which opened my heart up to truly receiving my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. not just at head level, after all, i had read theology, attended Mass and CG, participated in Bible Study and i grasped many an abstract concept in my Sunday School days where most of my peers were still playing about with puppy love - but truly at heart level. where i was most vulnerable and most hurting.
i learned how to slowly open up my emotional baggage and to look the past in the eye, instead of running away from the pain. and i was able to do that, only because He was there with me.
i learned that unforgiveness, whether of other or of the self, is costly and creates waves of unhappiness which reach out beyond the years into the present and even the future.
i learned that He had always been there, and He was there when i was in my greatest trials. when i felt all alone, and seeing Him in tears, for all of the times i had ignored him brought tears to my own eyes. can you imagine both of us crying? it sounds funny now though ...
i learned that standards are both man made, and God made. and while it's tiring to live by man's standards, God's standards are far more difficult and less wearing out.
life cannot go back to the way it was on so many levels. it's waking up ready to face the day and knowing that everything is in His hands and that gives you courage and strength to deal with the day :D
(will follow up with an entry on prayer - cheers, and keep on praying unceasingly per St Paul)
Thursday, October 08, 2009
to think she was different
what does it feel like to look up to someone, think hey, she's different, she's not like the others, she has honour, courage, intelligence, the willingness to work hard and maybe even some kindness and understanding? she stood out, stood above heads and shoulders of those around her. you could sense it. you knew - here was someone you really wanted to learn from and to work for. she was special.
what does it feel like to really care for that someone? to remember her likes and dislikes? to work your hardest and best for her? to wish her only the best?
and then to find that she thinks you're worthless. an outsider. not one of them. a problem case. a misfit. and because of that, you're where you are today. you know it's for the best, but it hurts no less.
you're reeling from betrayal more than anger. you're hurting because quite unlike so many hypocrites putting on a show of steadfastness, you really felt that affection and loyalty. and the tears tell you something - either you stop caring in the future or find someone who deserves that affection and loyalty.
or maybe, just maybe, undeserved as it is, pray for her success and happiness.
(you don't wish her ill, never have, you just want to move on and know real peace of mind)
for God allows evil that greater good may emerge of that evil.
what does it feel like to really care for that someone? to remember her likes and dislikes? to work your hardest and best for her? to wish her only the best?
and then to find that she thinks you're worthless. an outsider. not one of them. a problem case. a misfit. and because of that, you're where you are today. you know it's for the best, but it hurts no less.
you're reeling from betrayal more than anger. you're hurting because quite unlike so many hypocrites putting on a show of steadfastness, you really felt that affection and loyalty. and the tears tell you something - either you stop caring in the future or find someone who deserves that affection and loyalty.
or maybe, just maybe, undeserved as it is, pray for her success and happiness.
(you don't wish her ill, never have, you just want to move on and know real peace of mind)
for God allows evil that greater good may emerge of that evil.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
and then suddenly
and then suddenly in the midst of a quiet dinner, i felt so lonely.
asking myself what did i do in those empty spaces, like i did now? i would either read a book (i had finished quite a few paperbacks in the months before), reply smses, or write in my prayer journal or update my projects notebook. but for sure i would not feel the lack of conversation. or movement.
i had gotten used to eating alone, and enjoying the solitude, most of the time. such moments were empty spaces. not filled up with activities. but simply empty spaces.
but that night, i simply felt lonely. almost as if i had forgotten what it was like to eat with company, with friends. with family.
you might say - i should have asked someone to join me for dinner, but i don't think that would have solved the problem. or was it even a problem in the first place. maybe finding and/or having a boyfriend might have helped. (as if one could pluck them off trees? the good fruit have long been consumed, and the others range from the overripe to the decaying and rotten)
coming to recognise my desire and love of stillness does not mean i won't feel lonely like i would at times.
asking myself what did i do in those empty spaces, like i did now? i would either read a book (i had finished quite a few paperbacks in the months before), reply smses, or write in my prayer journal or update my projects notebook. but for sure i would not feel the lack of conversation. or movement.
i had gotten used to eating alone, and enjoying the solitude, most of the time. such moments were empty spaces. not filled up with activities. but simply empty spaces.
but that night, i simply felt lonely. almost as if i had forgotten what it was like to eat with company, with friends. with family.
you might say - i should have asked someone to join me for dinner, but i don't think that would have solved the problem. or was it even a problem in the first place. maybe finding and/or having a boyfriend might have helped. (as if one could pluck them off trees? the good fruit have long been consumed, and the others range from the overripe to the decaying and rotten)
coming to recognise my desire and love of stillness does not mean i won't feel lonely like i would at times.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What would you do if you weren't ...
What would i do if i weren't a lawyer?
i was asked that question the other day over dinner. i looked askance at the person who asked me that, and he looked back at me enquiringly.
i smiled a little and said 'a travelling poet. i'd travel from place to place and write poems'.
the response i got was 'not a job'. :P
on hindsight, that wasn't such a surprising response. my mother told me the same thing when i told her i wanted to be a writer at the age of 11. you need a day job to pay the bills, and to put food on the table, so i was told i needed a more stable job, which by all accounts i have right now.
i suppose growing up does put things in a different light. while i haven't quite closed the door on that dream yet, i am focused on the present realities and enjoying them to the fullest.
but well, if you are willing to sponsor my travels, i'll write you a poem ;)
i was asked that question the other day over dinner. i looked askance at the person who asked me that, and he looked back at me enquiringly.
i smiled a little and said 'a travelling poet. i'd travel from place to place and write poems'.
the response i got was 'not a job'. :P
on hindsight, that wasn't such a surprising response. my mother told me the same thing when i told her i wanted to be a writer at the age of 11. you need a day job to pay the bills, and to put food on the table, so i was told i needed a more stable job, which by all accounts i have right now.
i suppose growing up does put things in a different light. while i haven't quite closed the door on that dream yet, i am focused on the present realities and enjoying them to the fullest.
but well, if you are willing to sponsor my travels, i'll write you a poem ;)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
the teaching/facilitating experience
the teaching/facilitating experience - one i went through on a minor scale just yesterday when i was at Lifeline CG in SFX.
to prepare for your lessons by reading the materials, understanding it fully or as best as possible, thinking about the many methods by which to impart the knowledge to your students - in lecture fashion? by using slides? real life examples or case studies? by analogies? to take them above and beyond lectures alone?
and to listen to your students discuss the lesson - to see where they are coming from, and if their original premise is flawed, to correct them and show the path again. you not only teach but in so many instances are also being taught.
and this process repeats itself without monotony as each student and each batch taken as a whole differs in their needs and levels of understanding and maturity. it's something organic and living, and in so many ways, something beautiful and yet frustrating because there are times when they 'just don't get it' and yet, you want to keep on because you know the light in their eyes when they do makes it worth the trouble and effort.
it seems so insignificant, but i'd like to think it makes a difference. i don't have a giant spotlight, but i like my candle very much, thank you and i'll keep on burning for Him.
to prepare for your lessons by reading the materials, understanding it fully or as best as possible, thinking about the many methods by which to impart the knowledge to your students - in lecture fashion? by using slides? real life examples or case studies? by analogies? to take them above and beyond lectures alone?
and to listen to your students discuss the lesson - to see where they are coming from, and if their original premise is flawed, to correct them and show the path again. you not only teach but in so many instances are also being taught.
and this process repeats itself without monotony as each student and each batch taken as a whole differs in their needs and levels of understanding and maturity. it's something organic and living, and in so many ways, something beautiful and yet frustrating because there are times when they 'just don't get it' and yet, you want to keep on because you know the light in their eyes when they do makes it worth the trouble and effort.
it seems so insignificant, but i'd like to think it makes a difference. i don't have a giant spotlight, but i like my candle very much, thank you and i'll keep on burning for Him.
Monday, August 24, 2009
i got tired
i got tired of waiting for a miracle.
so right now, it's down to making the best of what i've got and living each day to the fullest.
who knows what the future will bring?
i know i don't, but it's up to me to give all i can to the moments God has seen fit to give me. regardless of that hole i sometimes feel in my heart, that emptiness since so long ago.
because in other times and lights, i don't feel hollow, i m moving along to an internal rhythm that only my Maker and i understand. and although i sometimes get scared of being lonely, i feel the aloneness and know He's with me, even if i don't always feel Him.
so right now, it's down to making the best of what i've got and living each day to the fullest.
who knows what the future will bring?
i know i don't, but it's up to me to give all i can to the moments God has seen fit to give me. regardless of that hole i sometimes feel in my heart, that emptiness since so long ago.
because in other times and lights, i don't feel hollow, i m moving along to an internal rhythm that only my Maker and i understand. and although i sometimes get scared of being lonely, i feel the aloneness and know He's with me, even if i don't always feel Him.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
of prayer i cried out and His answer
of prayer i cried out, prostrating myself on the ground, tears and entreaties to the One above.
the pain was too much. i couldn't see my way through.
and at night, i cried out too. not for Him to take the pain away, but to help me understand, to help me realise His plan and love for me in spite of all i was facing.
to calm my restless and wounded heart, beating, beating erratically.
the morning brought me to a more tranquil heart, one which helped me to think more clearly. and to my surprise, the pain had begun to subside, it was still there, but it moved gently to the background. unlike before, i was not numbed, but i learned to transcend these feelings of pain and sadness.
and from the acceptance of where i was, in the midst of imperfections, i found Him. in the carrying out of my duties regardless of my feelings, and the acceptance of persons who ignored me at best and wished me ill other times (perhaps one day i'll be able to love such people!) without compromising my personhood and protecting myself against their negativity ...
i learned that this was my path towards knowing and loving Him better.
His answer was to give me a new heart and new eyes. and i thank Him gratefully for such and all His other blessings.
the pain was too much. i couldn't see my way through.
and at night, i cried out too. not for Him to take the pain away, but to help me understand, to help me realise His plan and love for me in spite of all i was facing.
to calm my restless and wounded heart, beating, beating erratically.
the morning brought me to a more tranquil heart, one which helped me to think more clearly. and to my surprise, the pain had begun to subside, it was still there, but it moved gently to the background. unlike before, i was not numbed, but i learned to transcend these feelings of pain and sadness.
and from the acceptance of where i was, in the midst of imperfections, i found Him. in the carrying out of my duties regardless of my feelings, and the acceptance of persons who ignored me at best and wished me ill other times (perhaps one day i'll be able to love such people!) without compromising my personhood and protecting myself against their negativity ...
i learned that this was my path towards knowing and loving Him better.
His answer was to give me a new heart and new eyes. and i thank Him gratefully for such and all His other blessings.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
of World War II and my grandfather
me, my grandfather and my grandmother (my 2 favouritest old folks in the world)
i was watching the History Channel just now, and they were airing a documentary on Pearl Harbour and the Japanese invasion of the USA, which marked the start of World War II.
instantly i was reminded of my grandfather- the history buff. the sheer number of books at home on World War II and the Japanese invasion, especially of Malaya was stupendous. there's a whole cupboard full of them and i've only read a few of them up to now. the one on General Hideki Tojo was a bit harder to finish...now that i m older, i don't think i have the excuse of youthful folly or impatience.
it was my grandfather who first introduced me to the joys of reading history and appreciating what the people in the past had gone through to create a better future. he was full of interesting stories, together with my grandmother the dinner table would come alive! :D
he also taught me to use the dictionary to find out the meaning of words when i was 8 - i remember looking up 'bigot'. in fact, i think the love of reading was passed down from him to my mother to me! building on his 'library' (really the third room at the back of the house, dubbed 'Lau's Library'), we've added more books and shelves through the ages from the first few ones.
... so it makes me sad to realise again that he's lost almost all his memories. he can't recognise most of us at home, and to know that only the physical being is there most of the time ... i'm trying to be glad i knew him during the time before this and that we shared some good times.
i'm who i am today, because of him.
and i go back ever so often to visit my 2 favouritest old folks in the world - the inevitable will happen someday. but before that, i want to hold each moment dearly and embrace it with all my heart.
let's love before it's too late ... !
/edit: i just received news that my colleague's grandmother just passed away yesterday. and right after i had written this post.
i say a requiem for her, and to tell you the truth, i was tearing up too when she broke the news during the meeting this evening. it took all of me not to cry with her and go on with the discussion. :(
take care - i know that you're the hardworking, ultra responsible type of person, but all is in good hands and may your grief lessen with time.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
thoughts from a quiet corner
i'm about to leave the comfort of my bedroom soon after blogging this to prepare lunch tomorrow :- tuna tortillas. i got fed up of the limited choice of dishes at the cafeteria and well, i'd like to try cooking again! :)
esp after i'd been sick for so long. :P
can't say i m waiting for a miracle - because although it has the characteristics of one, it's something in my hands. and for what it's worth, who i am, where i've been all this while, what i've gone through, it has to lead somewhere. and little moments of grace, they will enter my life to sweeten and soothe my frazzled nerves every now and then.
YES to all my Family and Friends. i have not forgotten your support nor have i forgotten what i promised. it will be done.
Viktor Frankl said hope and purpose is what gives life meaning, and i hold to that with all my heart and soul.
there is a future, i know it. there is a place in this world where i can and will give my all and i know it too. and i will make a difference.
there will always be critics, no shortage of them, those whose greatest joy is nothing but to see us fail. but at least we're trying, every step forward is a step. no matter what happens to it in the end - whether we end up falling behind or having to just dust ourselves off and carry on.
i've met all kinds of bitches and bastards (and i will continue to meet them, something tells me that!) and survived so far. all shapes and sizes. and reminded myself that to become like that in turn is the worst thing to happen to me. can you imagine???
*** cue: bitchy!Petrina steps into a room and cattily tears other people interspersed with insincere comments and sickly sweet yet malicious smiles ***
(nope, i don't like that at all. it's up to you if you want to do that because i honestly think you're only accountable to the One above, anyway. you'll probably get away with it for now, but no one escapes divine justice)
besides, there are enough nice and kind people in this world to help it along and make up for the terrible people in it. so let's PUSH together, shall we?
(Pray Until Something Happens)
amen.
esp after i'd been sick for so long. :P
can't say i m waiting for a miracle - because although it has the characteristics of one, it's something in my hands. and for what it's worth, who i am, where i've been all this while, what i've gone through, it has to lead somewhere. and little moments of grace, they will enter my life to sweeten and soothe my frazzled nerves every now and then.
YES to all my Family and Friends. i have not forgotten your support nor have i forgotten what i promised. it will be done.
Viktor Frankl said hope and purpose is what gives life meaning, and i hold to that with all my heart and soul.
there is a future, i know it. there is a place in this world where i can and will give my all and i know it too. and i will make a difference.
there will always be critics, no shortage of them, those whose greatest joy is nothing but to see us fail. but at least we're trying, every step forward is a step. no matter what happens to it in the end - whether we end up falling behind or having to just dust ourselves off and carry on.
i've met all kinds of bitches and bastards (and i will continue to meet them, something tells me that!) and survived so far. all shapes and sizes. and reminded myself that to become like that in turn is the worst thing to happen to me. can you imagine???
*** cue: bitchy!Petrina steps into a room and cattily tears other people interspersed with insincere comments and sickly sweet yet malicious smiles ***
(nope, i don't like that at all. it's up to you if you want to do that because i honestly think you're only accountable to the One above, anyway. you'll probably get away with it for now, but no one escapes divine justice)
besides, there are enough nice and kind people in this world to help it along and make up for the terrible people in it. so let's PUSH together, shall we?
(Pray Until Something Happens)
amen.
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