Reflecting anew / Of weddings and new births / mounting a challenge

Reflecting anew - and reevaluating my relationships. it's a fallacy to think that we exist in isolation, and the old aphorism that 'no man is an island' per John Donne rings true.

i've had cause to relook certain relationships in my life after a sequence of events recently, some of which hurt and disappointed me greatly.
perhaps i would have said i ought to forgive and forget, and move on. as if it were that simple. if only. i find that i first need to acknowledge my wounds and accept that it did happen. and taking another look around, find that i too have changed in the passage of time. it was not just the other.
i cannot pretend things are the same anymore. and what happens next?
discerning where this needs to move to, through God's grace and wisdom.
forgiveness comes from acceptance, and i am now struggling with that, even as i come to terms with what happened - learning to overcome the oh-so-human tendency to deny and minimise.

but even then, no regrets. a heart made of flesh and blood can be broken, so why open it up? why even let anyone in? because if i didn't, i could never be fully alive.

***

attending weddings. tis the season to be married. congratulations to dear Vikram and Marietta. i am truly happy for both of you :)

and the season for new births - Anne and Sherry and even my sis! :) little baby Jared who is now 3 months old, your aunty Pet loves you!

don't ask me when my turn is. bf pun takde, how to make the jump??!

***

mounting a challenge keeps me going. counting down the days now and learning to trust more in His love than in my own weaknesses . amen!

Do you trust Me / A Witness to Hope / Self Knowledge

As some of you may know by now, I am currently attending the Quick Journey through the Bible classes on Sunday and expect to graduate next Sunday (end of March). We're currently halfway through the Old Testament, having covered the Early World, the Patriarchs, Exodus and Exile and Desert Wanderings.

it sounds like a whole lotta history. but over and over again, this question resounds : do you trust Me? do you trust that I have a plan for your life?
the Israelites failed God time and time and time again. it's borne out in terrible consequences which are painful to read, let alone go through.

and i find myself being asked the same question as some recent developments take place. i had made a determination, and now things change again, as if underscoring how little control i really have over my life no matter what illusions i may cherish.

i don't know what the future will hold. i am living one day at a time, and learning that besides trusting His plan for me, i need to believe with my heart and soul He desires the best for me, and for my happiness.

let's make this happen, God. for if it is what you will for me, let us make it happen.

amen.

***

John Paul II - a Witness to Hope.

watching the documentary together with the others las night after Praise and Worship, a thought came to me, and refused to leave.

the thought was on the inherent worth of the human person. the intrinsic value of the human being.

regardless of modernity's mad march through the ages, human beings continue to hold in them value which is inherent and intrinsic. the dehumanisation and objectification of people did not begin only yesterday. it entered into full swing in the Industrial Revolution, when people became mere producers of output from machines which they operated to the Information Revolution/ Internet Revolution when information became the new byword and people their online personae.

there is much more to a person than all that. each of us has been created in His image and likeness, wonderfully and fearfully made - and this message gets lost in the crunch of daily life. of trying to get our point across. in trying to make a living.

for me, John Paul II's work on the value of life (as opposed to death) has wide implications.
i am fortunately not involved in any situation involving abortion or euthanasia as of now; even then, the value of life is an affirmation of the value of human beings, no matter what they have done or will do.

it opens me up to recognising the distinction between sin and the sinner. one is to be shunned at all costs, and the other to be loved at all costs. i used to slap labels on those who hurt me, and slap labels on myself. now recognising that the dignity of humanity is greater than those restricting labels, i am looking at a bigger and better way of living.
sin is real, and its effects just as real. but the real question is this: is sin greater than love?

***

self knowledge comes through knowledge of Jesus.

working on this one. the journey from the head to the heart is the longest journey there is. but patience, there is an eternity for these sorts of things.

round this side of Heaven, struggles don't stop, there are always things which need to be resolved, but to know i am not and never alone makes all the difference to me.

from eros to agape / grace / discerning the path

for the longest time, he was my best friend. i'm still not sure when i fell in love. or when it all changed into something else. but we saw each other through good and bad moments, we cried together in the face of the death of one of his dearest friends, and we celebrated each other's successes and cherished the dreams we held deep in our hearts.
we shared something so beautiful - every single Friday, i lose count now, i waited for his e-mail, and ready to write something in return.

he probably didn't know this, but he always made me smile. whether online. or in person.

whatever was there shattered into one million and one pieces that fateful day. and he told me, he stopped believing in God. stopped trusting in people. told me to STOP praying for him. even though he knew it would break my heart-which it did, inevitably. he made me promise to stop, through the tears that were streaming down. my somewhat disordered personal universe crashed and burned, turned upside down.

it took me a countless number of poems, a round of alcohol, some stupid things i did in the search for a stop to this pain, so many times driving about in circles crying, and finally Christ alone to heal this broken heart. and much more importantly, to shift the love which i had for him (and he to me) from eros to agape. to truly will the good for him.

i came to realise that i m not his saviour. i couldn't be the person to show him that God is love - my shoulders are far too frail for that. i can pray for people to meet him and touch his life and open his eyes up to seeing God as a loving creator who accepts him as he is. (how's that for circumventing the promise i made earlier? law school is useful for something, no? ;)

happy birthday in advance. here's to friendship. and prayer. lots of it!

***

grace is what happens when we trust in Him. and that means even in the midst of confusion and tiredness and stress, you see a way out and holding His hand, move even-footed into the future, with a steadily beating heart.

***

another life choice? given the circumstances, it wasn't really that unlikely. i m currently discerning the path. 3 choices - and all 3, not without their attractions and fears.
the fact is, regardless, i cannot count on this life to contain in it the sum total of meaning and happiness and no matter the path i eventually take, it is to glorify His name and draw myself and others closer to Him which must be done.

keep me in prayer too, please. and if the end result surprises you, i think it will surprise me even more.

***

so very scared / making peace / praying and walking on

it's when you're both scared witless and excited and enthused that you are probably on the right track.

saying Yes unequivocally and unreservedly to the voice within with its gentle yet persistent tone, doubts aplenty tearing away and yet the fire within burns, and the voice will not rest until you reply. and do whatever it takes.

***

i finally made peace with something and someone that i hadn't even realised had been bothering me for so long.

i've tried pushing it aside, tried drinking it down, tried escaping into work, tried finding something (someone?) else to fill my head and heart with, tried almost everything except facing up to it.
the numbness i suffered when i was working in my previous job didn't help matters much either, so i came to associate my pain with that cool lack-of-feeling and thought i had gotten over it. but i was wrong ...

now the truth stares me in the face, and i find myself starting to be ready to let go of the past.
i can't keep living in suspended animation, putting my life on hold while i imagine how it could have been, the whats and the whys.
i can't keep on writing poem after poem in fruitless attempts to take the broken fragments of my heart out in the open and finding out there's always one more broken piece i can't get to. and when i look, that broken piece covers a hole in my heart, in his shape.
the tears that come whenever i listen to that song. too many memories especially when the wound was still raw.
the nights spent wondering. about the sequence of events, about the deeper issues it raised, and how it challenged my faith and entire worldview, about him and how he was doing.

i loved him for the longest time yet. sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever come close to delighting me and touching my heart as he did. or just simply understanding lil ol complicated moi. or being there when i needed him most. ... i truly wonder.

and yet it's time to move on.

there will always be a scar when i look deep within. but a scar is a mark of healing. and if i don't open my heart, how will i let love in?

***

praying and walking on.

prayer makes the difference. trust me, i have lived out 7 days (or so, i managed to fit in quiet time on mon and wed morning this week) without prayer and it left me weak.
(7 days without prayer make one weak, geddit? :P)
so blessed pentecost and i'll keep on praying. :)

of the search for Wisdom / Meister Eckhart

An inspired search and a desire to read the seeking of Wisdom as described so poetically by Solomon in the book of Proverbs ... i find myself reflecting on what is meant by the fear of God and how it is the beginning of wisdom.

"do you want to please people, or please God?"

the question does not come with an easy answer. all i know is that the desire to please God is the starting point of this journey which i embarked upon. if i had listened hard enough, i would have known of His desires for me, His dreams for me, the visions He still wants me to realise.

and to realise them, i must come to know Wisdom in all her glory and splendour. she is a hard taskmistress. and i struggle. the tears, the sweat, the blood, she has seen them all.

self knowledge, self realisation.
did the saints not talk about this? so afraid of jumping, so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of pain, i have forgotten what makes me great is bigger than what makes me feel good.
i could not have done it then, i was still floundering about for an identity. still seeking out what it is it which moves me towards something more than a life lived purely out of selfish desires.

of course, noble intentions are always good. but then again, how are they concretised?
vague notions of kindness and love and making a difference are all very well, but there's more to living than that.

i think i know better now. the discipline living demands of me now where i am is like iron for my soul...
sufficiently strengthened, shaped and moulded, my time in the furnace, the crucible come and gone, coming to know myself better, the time will come. in the meantime, i will continue to walk in Wisdom's path.

***

a collection of quotes from Meister Eckhart: -

“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us”
compare this to Gandhi's "The divine guidance often comes when the horizon is darkest".

“Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure.”
...still learning how to feel secure.

“To be right, a person must do one of two things: either he must learn to have God in his work and hold fast to him there, or he must give up his work altogether. Since, however, we cannot live without activities that are both human and various, we must learn to keep God I everything we do, and whatever the job or place, keep on with him, letting nothing stand in our way.”
Gloria in excelsis deo. and with all that happens, raise it to the One who knows and loves us best. you know that without You, i am a nobody. thank You for all You have given me and made possible for me to lift your name on high.
let all that has happened to me strengthen me and give me the grace to fulfill your purposes for me. nothing can stop what You have willed, nothing can stand in its way,
only even as i cry out "Lord I believe, help my unbelief" ... You remain patient, and chide me for my lack of faith. human knowledge and discernment fade in the face of Your love and dreams for all of us and in Your infinite wisdom and tenderness.

Here i am, Lord. It is i, Lord,
i have heard You calling in the night,
i will go, Lord, if You lead me.

taking the first step is the hardest. but if i keep looking back, drowning my sorrows by whatever means, i can never move ahead. patience is a virtue, bitter but its fruits are sweet.

speak Lord, your servant is listening.

AMEN.