so very scared / making peace / praying and walking on

it's when you're both scared witless and excited and enthused that you are probably on the right track.

saying Yes unequivocally and unreservedly to the voice within with its gentle yet persistent tone, doubts aplenty tearing away and yet the fire within burns, and the voice will not rest until you reply. and do whatever it takes.

***

i finally made peace with something and someone that i hadn't even realised had been bothering me for so long.

i've tried pushing it aside, tried drinking it down, tried escaping into work, tried finding something (someone?) else to fill my head and heart with, tried almost everything except facing up to it.
the numbness i suffered when i was working in my previous job didn't help matters much either, so i came to associate my pain with that cool lack-of-feeling and thought i had gotten over it. but i was wrong ...

now the truth stares me in the face, and i find myself starting to be ready to let go of the past.
i can't keep living in suspended animation, putting my life on hold while i imagine how it could have been, the whats and the whys.
i can't keep on writing poem after poem in fruitless attempts to take the broken fragments of my heart out in the open and finding out there's always one more broken piece i can't get to. and when i look, that broken piece covers a hole in my heart, in his shape.
the tears that come whenever i listen to that song. too many memories especially when the wound was still raw.
the nights spent wondering. about the sequence of events, about the deeper issues it raised, and how it challenged my faith and entire worldview, about him and how he was doing.

i loved him for the longest time yet. sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever come close to delighting me and touching my heart as he did. or just simply understanding lil ol complicated moi. or being there when i needed him most. ... i truly wonder.

and yet it's time to move on.

there will always be a scar when i look deep within. but a scar is a mark of healing. and if i don't open my heart, how will i let love in?

***

praying and walking on.

prayer makes the difference. trust me, i have lived out 7 days (or so, i managed to fit in quiet time on mon and wed morning this week) without prayer and it left me weak.
(7 days without prayer make one weak, geddit? :P)
so blessed pentecost and i'll keep on praying. :)