do you really love yourself?

don't bother asking the narcissist - this is not meant for him/her. do you really love yourself?

all those stubborn bits of fat, and the parts of your character you'd rather hide, or that pimply face. or maybe the fact you're slower, not as fast or clever or quick as Bright Eyes over there. or as beautiful and popular as the Social Butterfly fluttering from table to table.

in fact, you look at the mirror sometimes despising your very reflection, wondering if this was all some sort of cosmic joke, and God's having the last laugh on you.

reading those self help books won't help, after the initial burst of feel-good fizz. talking to friends and family depresses you because you think they're just lying to make you feel better - and what the hell. do they think you're worth that little only to lie to you to make you feel better. damn it. you should be worth more, only you don't quite feel it.

so again, do you really love yourself? it's a sin to think God made rejects, and you wonder what kind of smart ass tells you that you're a sinner when you already believe you're doomed to your own spot in hell. the torment of hating yourself, of feeling discomfit in your own skin is a hell on its own, and the black dog of depression and despair is never too far away, waiting to pounce on you and chew you up.

and then you find the only way out, the only through this whole mess is to experience God's unconditional love for you, breaking through the barriers your mind and psyche has put up all this while, to know that despite your many flaws and failings, YOU ARE LOVED. and you find it within you to forgive yourself for not measuring up, and to start appreciating what you have instead.

it's like Robert Frost said, there is no way out but through. and it's love and lashings of God's grace that pull you through. and looking upon the crucifix and the supremely lonely, lost moment when the world stood still and saw Christ hang for our sins - you can see there's a better way of doing things. of being.

you don't start off all hugging yourself and feeling good at first, but slowly and then surely something opens up inside you and you see there's a light at the end of this tunnel. it's a long way ahead, and you got to know you won't be alone on your walk, no matter what you may feel at times.

Reflecting anew / Of weddings and new births / mounting a challenge

Reflecting anew - and reevaluating my relationships. it's a fallacy to think that we exist in isolation, and the old aphorism that 'no man is an island' per John Donne rings true.

i've had cause to relook certain relationships in my life after a sequence of events recently, some of which hurt and disappointed me greatly.
perhaps i would have said i ought to forgive and forget, and move on. as if it were that simple. if only. i find that i first need to acknowledge my wounds and accept that it did happen. and taking another look around, find that i too have changed in the passage of time. it was not just the other.
i cannot pretend things are the same anymore. and what happens next?
discerning where this needs to move to, through God's grace and wisdom.
forgiveness comes from acceptance, and i am now struggling with that, even as i come to terms with what happened - learning to overcome the oh-so-human tendency to deny and minimise.

but even then, no regrets. a heart made of flesh and blood can be broken, so why open it up? why even let anyone in? because if i didn't, i could never be fully alive.

***

attending weddings. tis the season to be married. congratulations to dear Vikram and Marietta. i am truly happy for both of you :)

and the season for new births - Anne and Sherry and even my sis! :) little baby Jared who is now 3 months old, your aunty Pet loves you!

don't ask me when my turn is. bf pun takde, how to make the jump??!

***

mounting a challenge keeps me going. counting down the days now and learning to trust more in His love than in my own weaknesses . amen!

blessed easter / the encounter/ continuing the journey

(googled - image of the risen Christ)

Blessed Easter to all.

Alleluia - the Lord is risen indeed.

After a Lenten period which culminated in what i can only describe as bleak circumstances this Good Friday, i felt like all was lost indeed.
tell me what was i fighting for, what i was striving for, lost. indescribably lonely and sad.

pulling out of Putrajaya that hot afternoon, i made my way to SIC - everywhere the roads seem jammed to the max. where was everyone going off to? to church as well? i parked at the playground, the church was at least 1 km away only to discover that service started at 2pm. i was late.
i ended up going to SFX just in time for the 3 pm service. and just as the cross was being venerated, i felt something tugging at my heart which had become sore and heavy.
who was this Christ who died for me? who was He indeed? an abstract, historical concept? i missed His nearness to me, i missed His presence. i missed Him.

the clincher came when it was time to receive communion. the sense of taking something of my Lord, it becoming a part of me put the entire crucifixion in a different light. if humans were designed to love themselves, then sin had turned it into a veritable religion and destroyed the dignity inherent in recognising man as originating from God. this self mutilation through sin (as described by Fr. Simon in his stirring homily) was a thing i knew very well - i had been guilty of it so many times in my life.

i was loved. and am loved. and will continue to be loved for all eternity. He did not die for an empty reason. and despite my broken self, He loved me first and loved me best to the point of taking on all my sufferings. i was in pain, i am in pain, and i am sure life will bring me fresh pain in the future. but who am i to reject Him in seeing these through to the dawn?

i draw close to Him through His sacraments, prayer- sincere though weak, and reading His word. even if tomorrow i still know no answers, knowing His love is enough for me. come what may.

***

when you think about friends, you usually think about friends from school, uni, those you meet at work.
and when you meet someone who opens your heart and mind, and blows you away by being kind and open and willing to pray and journey with you, what do you say? what do you do?

you call that one a friend. and see in her actions, God's love and grace. respond in kind and trust.

in the intimacy of that space, prayer united us both and brought me to seeing something beautiful in all i have gone through. so used to turning away, enfolded in our own trials and worries, when someone turns and cares, it's simply amazing.

***

continuing the journey. undefined markers as yet. but the destination is certain. ah for the confidence in Him and to please Him above all :)

Do you trust Me / A Witness to Hope / Self Knowledge

As some of you may know by now, I am currently attending the Quick Journey through the Bible classes on Sunday and expect to graduate next Sunday (end of March). We're currently halfway through the Old Testament, having covered the Early World, the Patriarchs, Exodus and Exile and Desert Wanderings.

it sounds like a whole lotta history. but over and over again, this question resounds : do you trust Me? do you trust that I have a plan for your life?
the Israelites failed God time and time and time again. it's borne out in terrible consequences which are painful to read, let alone go through.

and i find myself being asked the same question as some recent developments take place. i had made a determination, and now things change again, as if underscoring how little control i really have over my life no matter what illusions i may cherish.

i don't know what the future will hold. i am living one day at a time, and learning that besides trusting His plan for me, i need to believe with my heart and soul He desires the best for me, and for my happiness.

let's make this happen, God. for if it is what you will for me, let us make it happen.

amen.

***

John Paul II - a Witness to Hope.

watching the documentary together with the others las night after Praise and Worship, a thought came to me, and refused to leave.

the thought was on the inherent worth of the human person. the intrinsic value of the human being.

regardless of modernity's mad march through the ages, human beings continue to hold in them value which is inherent and intrinsic. the dehumanisation and objectification of people did not begin only yesterday. it entered into full swing in the Industrial Revolution, when people became mere producers of output from machines which they operated to the Information Revolution/ Internet Revolution when information became the new byword and people their online personae.

there is much more to a person than all that. each of us has been created in His image and likeness, wonderfully and fearfully made - and this message gets lost in the crunch of daily life. of trying to get our point across. in trying to make a living.

for me, John Paul II's work on the value of life (as opposed to death) has wide implications.
i am fortunately not involved in any situation involving abortion or euthanasia as of now; even then, the value of life is an affirmation of the value of human beings, no matter what they have done or will do.

it opens me up to recognising the distinction between sin and the sinner. one is to be shunned at all costs, and the other to be loved at all costs. i used to slap labels on those who hurt me, and slap labels on myself. now recognising that the dignity of humanity is greater than those restricting labels, i am looking at a bigger and better way of living.
sin is real, and its effects just as real. but the real question is this: is sin greater than love?

***

self knowledge comes through knowledge of Jesus.

working on this one. the journey from the head to the heart is the longest journey there is. but patience, there is an eternity for these sorts of things.

round this side of Heaven, struggles don't stop, there are always things which need to be resolved, but to know i am not and never alone makes all the difference to me.

updates / the truth / gym or bust?

i suddenly realised i haven't actually been updating any readers here of what's been going on in my life so far.
dear readers, i am still alive. naturally. it's just the difference between existing and living ... :P
April sets to be an exciting month as i :

1. attend 2 courses in Bangi. you won't believe it. one is on MS Word, and the other on blog site investigations. well, all knowledge, no matter how obscure, is welcomed.

2. attend 2 weddings, one in Christian Life Centre (Tina and Joshua) and the other in St Ignatius Church (Vikram and Marietta)
- alamak, still haven't got sandals for my dress. shawl clutch etc all more or less settled! >.< -

3. write a special blogpost to commemorate the petrina7 MicroUniverse turning 7 :D
(can't believe it's been that long since i started out, back in April 03. this site has seen me through so much)

4. celebrate Easter Sunday -this Lent has really been Lent. too many temptations and faults and sins. come Good Friday to Easter Vigil to the glory of the Resurrection on Easter Sunday :)

5. graduate from Quick Journey Through the Bible. hehe.

6. celebrate my grandma's 88th birthday in Ipoh. 19th April here i come!

7. pay my taxes. bummer. i just remembered. but maybe the govt will pay me my tax rebates? [twinkly eyed and hopeful]

chock full of things to do. i m tingly with excitement (except item no.7) ... and i need to go shopping! yippykayyay.

***

be unafraid of the truth. it will set you free.
and if the truth tells you that you're carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and being hard and unforgiving and bitter, what do you do?
you turn to the Merciful and Compassionate one, and draw on His grace and strength.
and in recognising just how poor you are, you begin to see the wealth in His blessings and His gifts to see you through the days.

***

gym or bust?
true fitness ... hmmm...
without saying too much, i m not about to enter into a contract that is incomplete.
and fitness first? i have my doubts. and memories of poor service and snobby/rude personal trainers stalking around.
where does that leave me?
i remember Fr Simon's advice about channeling my energies ... i'm still finding that suitable channel. it would be a pity to let this go to waste, and end up eating me up from the inside.
will keep you all posted.

temptations and the season of lent

it's far too hot now for my liking, i m sweating even as i type this. the kind of heat that settles into the deepest pores of your skin and forces the sweat out and you feel your entire body on fire.

now perhaps it's only time that those old and bitter memories float to the surface - awaiting another round of challenge this season of lent. the faces, the names, most days they don't mean a thing. some days, especially in seasons like these, they come up with a vengeance.
my own.
sometimes i wish that i had told off that stupid overzealous religious nut what i thought of him, instead of being so accepting and polite, and letting the anger inside simmer. you don't fool me, no, keep on smiling, and i'll still see those fangs beneath the lips - devil that you are.
sometimes i wish i had adamantium claws and like Wolverine, i would claw out at those fools, those who had dared to render me such humiliation. and watch, as the pieces of skin fall on the floor, mixed with a congealed mass of blood.

it's only to be expected - these trial(s). come the season, i sit alone, struggling with these feelings, trying to remind myself that i am who i am now, new challenges await my attention and effort, relationships which require my love and affection.

the sense of loss which accompanies these feelings (as they arise) is something i used to ignore. but looking more deeply, i think it's time to acknowledge the pain and suffering i had gone through. even if it means that some parts of my past are places i'd rather not revisit. nothing takes kindly to rejection, nothing lives to its fullest when it is pushed away from the light.
yet i believe that even when pressed to re-enter those places, i will still be able to move through them in the light of grace.

those who are already pure have no need of further purification. even if i run away to the ends of the earth, i would still hold these burdens within me.
and in recognising how impure i am within, how much bitterness is still within me (although much less powerful now), i invite Him to be with me as He has promised to make all things beautiful in His time.

i know i have healed completely when as a matter of course, the memories return and i am bitter no more.

from eros to agape / grace / discerning the path

for the longest time, he was my best friend. i'm still not sure when i fell in love. or when it all changed into something else. but we saw each other through good and bad moments, we cried together in the face of the death of one of his dearest friends, and we celebrated each other's successes and cherished the dreams we held deep in our hearts.
we shared something so beautiful - every single Friday, i lose count now, i waited for his e-mail, and ready to write something in return.

he probably didn't know this, but he always made me smile. whether online. or in person.

whatever was there shattered into one million and one pieces that fateful day. and he told me, he stopped believing in God. stopped trusting in people. told me to STOP praying for him. even though he knew it would break my heart-which it did, inevitably. he made me promise to stop, through the tears that were streaming down. my somewhat disordered personal universe crashed and burned, turned upside down.

it took me a countless number of poems, a round of alcohol, some stupid things i did in the search for a stop to this pain, so many times driving about in circles crying, and finally Christ alone to heal this broken heart. and much more importantly, to shift the love which i had for him (and he to me) from eros to agape. to truly will the good for him.

i came to realise that i m not his saviour. i couldn't be the person to show him that God is love - my shoulders are far too frail for that. i can pray for people to meet him and touch his life and open his eyes up to seeing God as a loving creator who accepts him as he is. (how's that for circumventing the promise i made earlier? law school is useful for something, no? ;)

happy birthday in advance. here's to friendship. and prayer. lots of it!

***

grace is what happens when we trust in Him. and that means even in the midst of confusion and tiredness and stress, you see a way out and holding His hand, move even-footed into the future, with a steadily beating heart.

***

another life choice? given the circumstances, it wasn't really that unlikely. i m currently discerning the path. 3 choices - and all 3, not without their attractions and fears.
the fact is, regardless, i cannot count on this life to contain in it the sum total of meaning and happiness and no matter the path i eventually take, it is to glorify His name and draw myself and others closer to Him which must be done.

keep me in prayer too, please. and if the end result surprises you, i think it will surprise me even more.

***

Year End Review

It's almost the tail end of 2009. As i listen to the strains of yet another Christmas song, i sit and reflect on what has made 2009 such a memorable year for me.

Firstly, of course, is my career change. i had not imagined that i would end up working as Federal Counsel in the Attorney General's Chambers, in Putrajaya no less. after a year and a half of wandering about in the land of conveyancing and banking work, it seemed a tremendous sea change, and truth be told, quite scary too. some of the people around me predicted a terrible fate for me, an unending abyss of darkness. i was consigning my future to something bleak and black.

but this has to be the best thing that happened to me yet. taking a deep breath and then the plunge, it's not always been peaches and cream but the variety of tastes, experiences and the knowledge i've gained in terms of legal and non-legal aspects has been amazing. and more than makes up for the painful and depressing moments. and being snowed under at times by loads of work! :D

i like the fact that in the right light, what i do does make a difference. no matter what people say or tell me, or how civil servants are often dismissed as being unthinking beings who are lazy and have an easy life, i know that's not the truth and we do so much more. there's a lot more i can (and will) give.

what the future holds i don't know. but i m taking it with an open heart, and an open mind.

***

of course, this change opened the door for a greater involvement in Lifeline CG and Catholic Lawyers Society. and more than just simply joining in activities, i have come to love and serve God on a deeper and much more fundamental level. i talked about this earlier, and i m still continuing on the journey with Him.

it's about recognising Him in everything i do, and whatever that happens. and coming to love Him has opened the door to loving myself a lot more. i learned to value my strengths and talents, and know when i m being taken advantage of, and to learn from Him, slowly, the steadfastness and steadiness of heart all His servants have.

i have also participated in so many fun activities since - from talks on freedom of religion, to Bible Study/CG on Friday nights (such a change, i used to dread Friday nights last year - another empty weekend in a meaningless existence, did i live to just work? and work some more?) to the Star of the Sea retreat in Cameron Highlands - the great Strawberry WeekEnd! :D

i've become a lot lighter of heart. a lot happier. even when things go wrong, as they do every now and then. but looking at the bigger picture takes courage and faith and God has been gracious enough to give them to me in spades!

***

the fact is that i m not exactly in the best of shape physically. of course, the career change has shifted me from swinging between deprivation and over-indulgence to a more balanced diet, but not enoughphysical exertion. Putrajaya is not exactly near many places of fun, and sometimes by the time i get back, it's already quite late and i m too tired to exercise.

well, i will need to rethink my fitness plans, and the coming year presents me a prime opportunity to do so. martials arts classes are appealing. more so than dance classes. :P in the pipeline, peeps.

***

this is it. for now. i think on many fronts, 2009 was SUPER WAY BETTER than 2008. at least i don't feel empty and bored. as i did last year, right around this time. and that time i wondered what the hell, is there all there is to life? i m happy to report that that is not the case ...

and for that alone, thanks be to Him whose birth we celebrate :)

Blessed Christmas and Happy 2010!

/EDIT i managed to make the ps here come true. i feel absolutely blessed! :D who says wishes don't come true eh? 2009! woots!

Our heart is restless

You are great, O Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your power and your wisdom is without measure. And man, so small a part of your creation, wants to praise you: this man, though cloaked with mortality and bearing the evidence of sin and the proof that you withstand the proud. Despite everything, man, though but a small part of your creation, wants to praise you. You yourself encourage him to delight in your praise, for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

St Augustine - Confessions

the sparkle and shine of a life well lived

the sparkle and shine of a life well lived do not always translate into a sparkling and shiny body, whole and immaculately perfect.

what do i mean? i mean that a life well lived does not mean that the body will be spared. in fact the reverse is true ... in that living life well, we will necessarily go through many different experiences, some fun, some not so fun, some bordering on hellish.
and each will play their part in forming who we are. and leaving marks on our body.

i like to look back and see i m not afraid of new experiences, not so much at least, and taking the future one day and one step at a time. the empty dread which used to greet me when i opened my eyes (especially true round this time last year) has given way to something far more hopeful and far more wonderful than i could ever imagine.

i might end up alone and unloved. unmourned, unremembered. no one to dispel the darkness of the night, spending holidays and festive occasions by myself. i might stay stuck in a dead end job, walking into an abyss that bodes a fate worse than death.
OR
i might find that each day has its own share of delight ... and that alone or not, i am never lonely when i remember that my Creator loves me. and service is what i aim for, being a libation poured out for all. no matter who, whether i like you or not - for my service is born of love, a pale reflection of my Lord's love for me. if i serve best as a single, so be it. if my service is called forth more fully in married life, so be it. if through His call for me, the religious life beckons, so be it.

taking the steps of faith, i'm amazed i came this far. who knows what will happen next? i don't ... and i m not out to second guess Him.

come what may, Lord, you are with me always. and let there be the sparkle and shine of a life well lived be reflected in my eyes, my smile and my laughter - regardless of how i may be feeling at the moment, or what i have to endure in serving You. :)

one of those days again

one of those days again, when i fell asleep on my bed from dinnertime til about 12 plus, minus showering, minus taking off my contacts. woke up feeling grouchy, joints all coming loose and tired but not tired either i.e. cannot sleep.

so i m still up now.

maybe because i came across something which disturbed me a fair bit yday morning? i think so too. i mean, it's not like i don't respect your choices or the fact you're an adult now, but to think, you were so near and now you've gone so far. i've moved beyond viewing the fundamentals in life in relative terms ... if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
reflecting on things, i didn't think i actually knew who you were...
nevertheless, it doesn't negate the hopes i placed in you, misplaced as they were. hohoho. i put so much hope on an almost complete stranger.

or the feeling, once again, of standing out like a sore thumb. until i learn to let go, gracelessly at first, then gracefully. i mean, these are people, for better or in this case, for worse - whether narrow minded or hypocritical, prone to gossip, there's still something good to be found in them.
and instead of curling up in a corner, fit to die, i m thinking about people who suffer the same way: 'hey you know. i understand what you are going through, all you who get put down like that. i know the texture and taste of this pain and rejection - and you know what, you'll make it through'.
just don't give up. easier said than done, though. i m still hanging on by sheer grace!

the stress of unmet deadlines, looming ominously on the horizon. a million and one uncompleted tasks - some which involve so many others! and writers' block is not helping any.

sometimes i doubt my own judgment, but then again, if i don't start learning to trust myself, when will i do so? now is a good time. :D besides, i m the only one who actually knows me, body, soul, mind.

broiled cocktail sausages + a cup of cold soyabean for dinner.
i m sure i'll look like crap come time for work. but hey, i've been through worse. and trust me on this, there's nothing that my God cannot handle. or in other cases, give me His grace to see me through.

if you're reading this, pls pray for me. all petitions greatly appreciated. Amen.

to think she was different

what does it feel like to look up to someone, think hey, she's different, she's not like the others, she has honour, courage, intelligence, the willingness to work hard and maybe even some kindness and understanding? she stood out, stood above heads and shoulders of those around her. you could sense it. you knew - here was someone you really wanted to learn from and to work for. she was special.

what does it feel like to really care for that someone? to remember her likes and dislikes? to work your hardest and best for her? to wish her only the best?

and then to find that she thinks you're worthless. an outsider. not one of them. a problem case. a misfit. and because of that, you're where you are today. you know it's for the best, but it hurts no less.

you're reeling from betrayal more than anger. you're hurting because quite unlike so many hypocrites putting on a show of steadfastness, you really felt that affection and loyalty. and the tears tell you something - either you stop caring in the future or find someone who deserves that affection and loyalty.
or maybe, just maybe, undeserved as it is, pray for her success and happiness.
(you don't wish her ill, never have, you just want to move on and know real peace of mind)

for God allows evil that greater good may emerge of that evil.

the teaching/facilitating experience

the teaching/facilitating experience - one i went through on a minor scale just yesterday when i was at Lifeline CG in SFX.

to prepare for your lessons by reading the materials, understanding it fully or as best as possible, thinking about the many methods by which to impart the knowledge to your students - in lecture fashion? by using slides? real life examples or case studies? by analogies? to take them above and beyond lectures alone?
and to listen to your students discuss the lesson - to see where they are coming from, and if their original premise is flawed, to correct them and show the path again. you not only teach but in so many instances are also being taught.

and this process repeats itself without monotony as each student and each batch taken as a whole differs in their needs and levels of understanding and maturity. it's something organic and living, and in so many ways, something beautiful and yet frustrating because there are times when they 'just don't get it' and yet, you want to keep on because you know the light in their eyes when they do makes it worth the trouble and effort.

it seems so insignificant, but i'd like to think it makes a difference. i don't have a giant spotlight, but i like my candle very much, thank you and i'll keep on burning for Him.

the case of the fallen governor

taken from catholicexchange

Posted: 26 Jun 2009 09:00 PM PDT

In the past 24 hours since Governor Mark Sanford admitted his affair, I’ve run the gamut of emotions: sadness, depression, anger, and most of all, bewilderment.

The particular tragedy of Sanford is that he had been an outstanding governor. He’s attractive, engaging, and smart. He is an articulate and tenacious defender of family values. And he espoused the cause of Christ.

Now, his career lies on the ash heap of history. He’ll have to gracefully withdraw from political life and try to put his shattered marriage back together.

I mentioned sadness and depression. Sanford’s admission is simply the latest among pro-family conservative Christian politicians. Remember Senator David Vitter, involved with a prostitution service? Then just a week ago, Senator John Ensign of Nevada—a good friend I have known for years—he, too, admitted an affair.

And now Mark Sanford, probably the last man in American public life I would have expected to so incredibly disappoint us.

Sadness, depression—then there’s anger. These men dishonored their families and their offices and the Christian faith they profess.

But most of all, I am bewildered. Sanford had it all—a beautiful wife and family, high public office, and he was a viable candidate, perhaps, for President. Why would he throw it all away?

The answer came to me as I stewed over Sanford’s demise—and as I have reflected on my own life and my own failures, particularly before I knew the Lord.

We humans, you see, have an infinite capacity for self-rationalization. We reason that we can give in to those seemingly minor temptations—say an emotional attraction to a co-worker, or just one drink at the party—because we think we know the boundaries. We think our reason can keep us safe.

The problem is, as C. S. Lewis wrote in his timeless essay, “Men Without Chests,” that our reason is no match for the passions of the flesh. Lewis put it this way: Our stomachs (that is our appetites) can’t be controlled by our minds (that is, reason). Something else has to come in to play—and that is the spirited element, or our chests, as he called it. It’s our will being trained to do what is right and just.

Nearly every grave moral failure begins with a small sin. Because there comes a time, after we toy with sin, when one pull of the flesh causes us to cross the line, to disengage from reason, and to follow our appetites wherever they may lead.

And, I’m afraid, this is especially easy today. We’re told we can have it all, that we can be free to pursue any pleasure. Our wills are not trained to do what is good, but to do what pleases us. Many of us have become, as Lewis said, men without chests.

So, fellow Christians, don’t be self-righteous. Let the Sanford tragedy be a cautionary tale. Are you toying with sin? If so, for your self, your family, and your Lord—stop. Don’t put yourself in a position of compromise.

Instead, let us—you and I—prayerfully build up our chests and train our will that we might, by God’s grace and in fellowship with other believers who hold us accountable, not betray our Lord.

theology of the body / life updates / emergence

hi y'all - due to some build up of work recently, i haven't updated my blog for some time ... here's a run down of what i've been up to lately ...

i've been attending a course on the Gift and an Introduction to the Theology of the Body by Christopher West in SFX. a terrific course, and to think i only wanted to stay there for the first session because i was sceptical about the contents of the course. :P

in essence, this course deals with the most fundamental of issues - where does our body stand from the viewpoint of theology i.e. how do we as Christian Catholics relate to sex, marriage and/or celibacy and our bodies. i really did think it was about the body of Christ at first ... so yeah, a real eye-opener.
i learned that body DOES NOT equal sin and that marriage is to give us a foretaste of what heaven will be like.

where does this leave me? with a greater awareness of who i am, and that my body is worthy of love and respect and while the world keeps on screaming about gratutious sex, i'll learn to see it for what it is - an act of love that is bounded by sacrament. and mostly that the infinite fire within us cannot be quenched by small flames of sexual desire. we do really need God in the end.

it ends next week, and hopefully i'll be able to make it for the course on Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) in St Ignatius the following Monday. :)

***

attended 2 weddings of 2 terrific friends from uni days recently - RAZ better known as Raja Ahmad Zahir and Idris Seydalavi aka Idris C'est La Vie. the first was in Putrajaya (i was there on a weekend for a change, fancy that!) and the second was in Batu Pahat.

Siew Wee, Yin Harn and i drove down in SW's trusty Saga, and we managed to make our way to BP, home of Chua Soi Lek and the sex dvd story ...
-driving down neverending kampung roads at 80-90 km/h disregarding signs saying ' KAWASAN KAMPUNG - SILA KURANGKAN LAJU. :P
-watching out for stray cows, chickens, goats and little kids on bicycles. we didn't want to end up the subjects of a Pengetahuan Moral question. :P

and to cap it off, we stayed in the same hotel where a certain Dr Chua was caught on film cavorting with his female companion. no complimentary sex dvds though. and any person who had a hidden camera would have been bored silly - YH was listening to her MP3 player, i was reading and SW was playing with her laptop. and we were all talking in turn nonsense, current affairs in Malaysia and across the globe and gossip.

the weddings were inspiring and i participated in my first majlis bersanding at Idris' wedding. it was a fantastic experience and i sincerely wish both my friends a wonderful marriage ahead. God bless you guys. :)

***

emergence is slow, but worth the wait. as what comes forth comes from daring to face the truth, it becomes easier to make choices. patience is what makes the taste of the fruit sweeter. indeed, patience itself is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

and God helps those who help themselves. although in the end, truly, what man proposes, God disposes. Amen.

He's not even asking for tremendous success from me. He's only asking that i try and trust in Him. so there!

so very scared / making peace / praying and walking on

it's when you're both scared witless and excited and enthused that you are probably on the right track.

saying Yes unequivocally and unreservedly to the voice within with its gentle yet persistent tone, doubts aplenty tearing away and yet the fire within burns, and the voice will not rest until you reply. and do whatever it takes.

***

i finally made peace with something and someone that i hadn't even realised had been bothering me for so long.

i've tried pushing it aside, tried drinking it down, tried escaping into work, tried finding something (someone?) else to fill my head and heart with, tried almost everything except facing up to it.
the numbness i suffered when i was working in my previous job didn't help matters much either, so i came to associate my pain with that cool lack-of-feeling and thought i had gotten over it. but i was wrong ...

now the truth stares me in the face, and i find myself starting to be ready to let go of the past.
i can't keep living in suspended animation, putting my life on hold while i imagine how it could have been, the whats and the whys.
i can't keep on writing poem after poem in fruitless attempts to take the broken fragments of my heart out in the open and finding out there's always one more broken piece i can't get to. and when i look, that broken piece covers a hole in my heart, in his shape.
the tears that come whenever i listen to that song. too many memories especially when the wound was still raw.
the nights spent wondering. about the sequence of events, about the deeper issues it raised, and how it challenged my faith and entire worldview, about him and how he was doing.

i loved him for the longest time yet. sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever come close to delighting me and touching my heart as he did. or just simply understanding lil ol complicated moi. or being there when i needed him most. ... i truly wonder.

and yet it's time to move on.

there will always be a scar when i look deep within. but a scar is a mark of healing. and if i don't open my heart, how will i let love in?

***

praying and walking on.

prayer makes the difference. trust me, i have lived out 7 days (or so, i managed to fit in quiet time on mon and wed morning this week) without prayer and it left me weak.
(7 days without prayer make one weak, geddit? :P)
so blessed pentecost and i'll keep on praying. :)

fatih community / Sekinchan on Wesak Day/ Mother's Day

i was at our weekly BEC meeting at Andrew and Val's house when the importance of belonging to a faith community struck me.
it had always been my perception that faith is a purely individualistic matter wherein one had a relationship with God and that relationship was a private affair.
the worship in church appeared to be community based, but to me, often translated into each of us praying in our own way, stuck in our own circles of concern and worries.

so imagine my surprise when i found myself belonging to a BEC group, meeting with them and praying together and reading the Bible together. i've become more open about what i am facing, the difficulties i have in my spiritual and daily life and especially who i am.

faith does not grow alone, it grows in a community. my BEC group has helped me to see problems in a different light, to make new friends, to understand that others struggle too, and we help each other in our struggles, and to be happier and more fulfilled person.

i am far from perfect, but i realise that milestones on the path of understanding and enlightenment should be celebrated. including the realisation that i am not alone and God helps my faith grow through my friendships and sharings with like-minded and kind people.

to Star of the Sea folks - i love you guys! :)

***
Wesak Day rocked - Tina and i went to Sekinchan, Selangor for a photography expedition in lieu of the planned hiking trip to FRIM which had to be shelved as the canopy walk there was closed.

we had a quick breakfast and then drove off to Sekinchan via the long and winding trunk road, passing places like Kuala Selangor, Assam Jawa and Ijok (which reminded me of the by-election there).

finally we reached the paddy fields of Sekinchan. Tina was armed with her DSLR and tripod (for taking shots and protection purposes - easy to hit someone with the tripod) while i went with my lil digicam.
i had never seen a paddy field up close before, so this was quite an exciting experience. we took shots of the verdant masses of green and yellow, and also a canal to water the fields, reminding us of 'terusan Wan Mat Saman' (the longest such canal in Peninsular Malaysia). poetry ideas were humming in my head as we walked and took shots of what caught our fancy. i gather we walked about 2 plus kilometres there.

we got lots of stares from passing motorcyclists and cyclists and people in cars. well, i suppose it isn't everyday that 2 girls carrying cameras walk about in quiet paddy fields taking pictures. we met an old uncle who demanded to know what was so exciting about the place ...

well, nothing happened in that sense - at least, as Tina put it, in God and in the tripod we trust.

finally after our fill of picture taking, we left for lunch at Kuala Selangor, but not before detouring to Bagan Sekinchan for a few more shots.

lunch was fresh steamed hot and sour fish, stir fried kailan and marmite chicken with rice - well worth the money as the fish was fresh and the chicken juicy and boneless (unlike New Paris' conjob of using bony pieces of chicken for their Marmite chicken dish!)

i returned home in the words of the cliche - tired but happy. we hope to do more urbanex trips in the future, and who knows? i might just take photography up. it intersects rather nicely with my writing.

***

Mother's Day is an excuse for blatant commercialism. that's what my mum and grandma believe in.
if you love your mother, everyday is Mother's Day.

so hell yeah. in contradiction to everything i've seen so far, have a good year ahead, mum and grandma. no references to Mother's Day - just the sincere wish that you have good health, happiness and love everyday.

God bless all mothers everywhere! not just today, but every single day of your lives.

Easter weekend / Kissaten / Less than

Happy Easter to all!

Good Friday this year was simply amazing - i was in the choir and attended the tenebrae service afterward as well.

somehow the gospel didn't seem to be as long and tiring as it used to be, and the petition prayers made more sense. i suppose it was because i started to understand just how deeply and how far God's love for us sinful and weak humans goes and the words took on a new life. they weren't just words in the end, they were flesh and blood, food for the soul. as the writer of Hebrews puts it, they are alive and real, sharper than a double jointed sword.

i'm attending Easter Sunday mass tomorrow, and look forward to helping out at the Easter Bazaar at Amcorp Mall afterward. if you're there, do come by and look for the Lifeline stall. it's in aid of St Francis Xavier (SFX) Building Renovation Fund. :)

oh, and earlier mentioned hot cross buns were duly purchased and eaten. joy!

***

i had lunch today at this simply sweet spot, Kissaten, over at Jaya One.
Harn had chicken mushroom spaghetti with a cream sauce while i had sizzling mushroom steak (pork, not beef - as you know, i can't eat beef) ... which was the best i had eaten in a long long while. tender, and no skimping on the meat - one thick slab, seasoned and marinated, cooked to perfection.
it was served with half a stewed tomato with just the right amount of garlic butter on top, carrots brocolli and grilled corn on the cob, lightly browned and so very sweet.

i was in food heaven, and the rich choco pudding which we shared for dessert was sweet without being overpowering and it was really truly chocolatey. it went exceptionally well with the green tea. (bottomless, ahha) and we had no trouble finishing it, sighing contentedly.

normally i abhor jap food, but i'll make an exception in this case. :) 9 stars out of 10, highly recommended.

***

never stay with anything or anyone which or who demands that you be less than all you can be.

in other words, don't be subject to someone else's insecurities. it's tough enough dealing with your own, anyway.

donating blood/ tax season/ Holy Week

i donated blood for the first time last Monday and ... i think i may have overcome that awful needle phobia i had that stopped me from giving blood all this while. like the blood donation poster says, it really shouldn't be an excuse!

it wasn't that scary, and you'll feel a small prick as the needle goes in and your blood starts going out. and i did it by simply not looking when they put in the needle because i couldn't bring myself to see.
the end result was a bag full of my dark-red O+ blood (universal donor, haha) and it gave me a odd but good feeling. remembering that when my grandmother was admitted in the CCU and that someone was kind enough to come forward to give blood which she badly needed, i m hoping that my small contribution would be able to do the same. :)

***

it's tax season. ungggggggggghh. having to locate old receipts and fill up forms and then pay the LHDN money. me no likey, but hey, like Ben Franklin said, it's the only thing certain in life besides death. and so the hunt begins ...

***

Holy Week is next week. wow, it's been so fast, and i feel that this Lent has not been particularly good for me- just how often have i forsaken my fasts and abstinences and fallen prey to temptations. ...
falling is part of being human, but there's an invitation inherent in His extended hand to cooperate with Him to get through this life the right way, come what may. and to believe that my efforts, pitiful and half-hearted, are valued and count for something.
and because i m oh-so-fallible, i remember the same of my fellow humans and try to be a little less judgmental and a little more compassionate.

and on a less serious note, Hot Cross Buns are on sale in SFX ... scrummy! :)

new job/ cooking / memories

hello all - been a bit since i last did a blog post update style. yes, i am in a new job and have been there since feb 09.

it's really very different from my previous position, and suffice to say, so many of the things i thought i'd never touch again since leaving law school ... i'm really getting into the heart and soul of them now. :) needing to relearn and unlearn useless and outmoded methods and concepts. it's what i do everyday.

sometimes i find myself missing my old files, my work in the firm before, my friends but i remember that life's about moving forward and that's the reason why we have eyes in front to look ahead, and not backward.

***

cooking! my new hobby. well, sort of. if cooking pasta and preparing salads and tuna sandwiches count, then i guess i've started already.

i remember a disastrous foray in which the first slice of french toast was burnt, and the second one undercooked. i ate both manfully but swore to be more careful next time. there hasn't been a next time re french toast yet. hmmm...

still, i m hoping to progress to better and more delicious dishes in the future. although it's a bit of a pain to cook for only one person i.e. myself, i will continue. to that end, i've got 2 recipe books with me to start off.

***

memories are only as painful as you let them eat into your very being. feeling the keen edge of sorrow, i learn to let go.

coming across an old journal and seeing a name in print that made me weep so often in the past, it surprises me that i m not in such pain anymore. although it seems that things may never come to pass, i've learned that the way of God is to delight each of us in small gestures unexpectedly. and that life is the constant expression of this hope.

and instead of mourning, i come to celebrate the fact that i was able to know such a person and to be glad that we had good moments together.