It is Jesus

"It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that other try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and fraternal."

Pope John Paul II

do you really love yourself?

don't bother asking the narcissist - this is not meant for him/her. do you really love yourself?

all those stubborn bits of fat, and the parts of your character you'd rather hide, or that pimply face. or maybe the fact you're slower, not as fast or clever or quick as Bright Eyes over there. or as beautiful and popular as the Social Butterfly fluttering from table to table.

in fact, you look at the mirror sometimes despising your very reflection, wondering if this was all some sort of cosmic joke, and God's having the last laugh on you.

reading those self help books won't help, after the initial burst of feel-good fizz. talking to friends and family depresses you because you think they're just lying to make you feel better - and what the hell. do they think you're worth that little only to lie to you to make you feel better. damn it. you should be worth more, only you don't quite feel it.

so again, do you really love yourself? it's a sin to think God made rejects, and you wonder what kind of smart ass tells you that you're a sinner when you already believe you're doomed to your own spot in hell. the torment of hating yourself, of feeling discomfit in your own skin is a hell on its own, and the black dog of depression and despair is never too far away, waiting to pounce on you and chew you up.

and then you find the only way out, the only through this whole mess is to experience God's unconditional love for you, breaking through the barriers your mind and psyche has put up all this while, to know that despite your many flaws and failings, YOU ARE LOVED. and you find it within you to forgive yourself for not measuring up, and to start appreciating what you have instead.

it's like Robert Frost said, there is no way out but through. and it's love and lashings of God's grace that pull you through. and looking upon the crucifix and the supremely lonely, lost moment when the world stood still and saw Christ hang for our sins - you can see there's a better way of doing things. of being.

you don't start off all hugging yourself and feeling good at first, but slowly and then surely something opens up inside you and you see there's a light at the end of this tunnel. it's a long way ahead, and you got to know you won't be alone on your walk, no matter what you may feel at times.

not for us to pray

It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal.

- Helen Keller -

Our heart is restless

You are great, O Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your power and your wisdom is without measure. And man, so small a part of your creation, wants to praise you: this man, though cloaked with mortality and bearing the evidence of sin and the proof that you withstand the proud. Despite everything, man, though but a small part of your creation, wants to praise you. You yourself encourage him to delight in your praise, for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

St Augustine - Confessions

the case of the fallen governor

taken from catholicexchange

Posted: 26 Jun 2009 09:00 PM PDT

In the past 24 hours since Governor Mark Sanford admitted his affair, I’ve run the gamut of emotions: sadness, depression, anger, and most of all, bewilderment.

The particular tragedy of Sanford is that he had been an outstanding governor. He’s attractive, engaging, and smart. He is an articulate and tenacious defender of family values. And he espoused the cause of Christ.

Now, his career lies on the ash heap of history. He’ll have to gracefully withdraw from political life and try to put his shattered marriage back together.

I mentioned sadness and depression. Sanford’s admission is simply the latest among pro-family conservative Christian politicians. Remember Senator David Vitter, involved with a prostitution service? Then just a week ago, Senator John Ensign of Nevada—a good friend I have known for years—he, too, admitted an affair.

And now Mark Sanford, probably the last man in American public life I would have expected to so incredibly disappoint us.

Sadness, depression—then there’s anger. These men dishonored their families and their offices and the Christian faith they profess.

But most of all, I am bewildered. Sanford had it all—a beautiful wife and family, high public office, and he was a viable candidate, perhaps, for President. Why would he throw it all away?

The answer came to me as I stewed over Sanford’s demise—and as I have reflected on my own life and my own failures, particularly before I knew the Lord.

We humans, you see, have an infinite capacity for self-rationalization. We reason that we can give in to those seemingly minor temptations—say an emotional attraction to a co-worker, or just one drink at the party—because we think we know the boundaries. We think our reason can keep us safe.

The problem is, as C. S. Lewis wrote in his timeless essay, “Men Without Chests,” that our reason is no match for the passions of the flesh. Lewis put it this way: Our stomachs (that is our appetites) can’t be controlled by our minds (that is, reason). Something else has to come in to play—and that is the spirited element, or our chests, as he called it. It’s our will being trained to do what is right and just.

Nearly every grave moral failure begins with a small sin. Because there comes a time, after we toy with sin, when one pull of the flesh causes us to cross the line, to disengage from reason, and to follow our appetites wherever they may lead.

And, I’m afraid, this is especially easy today. We’re told we can have it all, that we can be free to pursue any pleasure. Our wills are not trained to do what is good, but to do what pleases us. Many of us have become, as Lewis said, men without chests.

So, fellow Christians, don’t be self-righteous. Let the Sanford tragedy be a cautionary tale. Are you toying with sin? If so, for your self, your family, and your Lord—stop. Don’t put yourself in a position of compromise.

Instead, let us—you and I—prayerfully build up our chests and train our will that we might, by God’s grace and in fellowship with other believers who hold us accountable, not betray our Lord.

One step at a time - Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

maturity and creation

"To exist is to change, to change is to mature,
to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."

Henri Bergson, French philosopher

christmas update/ the mind and heart / dreams

i am going back home for christmas! yes... :)
and in the meantime, have to clear up work and brief my relief(s) on what they need to do etc. argh! but i'll get there somehow.

christmas isn't about gifts and good food - even if this year-end promises plenty of delicious lunches/dinners to attend :P- it's about preparing a way for Jesus to enter our hearts, souls and minds. no matter what state we are in, he wants to come in.

spring cleaning of the soul having begun, i feel rested and refreshed. (so ironic when you consider what i went through physically)
the journey is far from over, though, i have to take some new paths and move in a different direction.

***

when the heart is not there, the mind cannot work.

unite the heart to the purposes of the mind and watch as barriers crumble and the spirits are raised again. nothing is impossible with God, as i've been constantly reminded this 4th week of Advent in the Annunciation story.

it's funny, i've never considered salvation to lie there. i've always considered it some sort of a hell. always under such close scrutiny, and always having to bend and twist my brain (which preferred wandering down the corridors of philosophy and socio-legal theories in a dreamy and happy fashion - who knows what would turn up?!) to a more prosaic and pragmatic turn.

but well, i'm coming to learn just how further i need to go, and how i have learned to serve those who despise me, think poorly of me and wish me ill. in so doing, i come to understand Jesus' mission a whole lot better.
to do your best for those who love you not (cannot use the word 'hate' - i reserve that for mortal enemies) is a humbling and heartening experience.

to lose heart is to lose the most important part of a person. so keep them coming, i'll be ready!

***

i still dream, and i still want to make a difference.
some day i will.
surely.

dreams are not meant to be sold. mine have coloured my existence and given me hope.
so there.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt.

whirlwind / carolling / of repentance and advent

the past few days have been a crazy whirlwind - from sending ins to hentian putra on Thursday to her finally catching a bus to KB to see her grandma who was in a coma after waiting for 12 hours for a ticket to her telling me on Friday that she managed to catch her grandma 10 minutes before she died to being involved in a car accident on Saturday night, culminating in me calling a tow truck and making a police report late Saturday night and i reached home about 1.15 a.m on Sunday morning...

i'm tired out. but still alive, and grateful that Mel was with me during the accident - and that my family has been supportive. thank you so much!

p/s i m ok. but the car is not. thankfully we weren't in the car during the accident - the back bumper's a gone case, the lights got smashed up and the left front portion of the car has been dented quite badly. we would have suffered back and head injuries had we been in the car then.

***

on another note (pun intended), i went carolling on Saturday morning and it gave me so much pleasure to be able to sing for the old folks over at Sri Seronok and at the Little Sisters of the Poor home.
i was quite struck by what one of the residents said - about us (the SFX Lifeline choir) choosing to use our talents to the full - i m not the world's best singer, far from it, but using our talents to the full simply means choosing to use them for God's glory, no matter what purpose he calls them for.
talents we all have, significant or not, for the Lord gave them to us and it is good that we remember to credit him in our daily lives.

***

repentance and advent, learning of grace and the blocks to God's grace in my life - i don't always like listening to what he says - it's too hard, i don't want to do it, but the moment i choose to, no matter how and what i feel, he makes it possible for me to go through with it.
spring cleaning is good for the house, likewise the soul.

and advent is a time of spring cleaning of the soul. look! a saviour is coming.
if everyday felt like nothing but mindless drudgery, then thank God that his love gave you something bigger to live for.
entering into that tiny space, the inner room which used to be so small, the beams of light show me just how much bigger the space within really is.

recalling dietrich bonhoeffer's words on metanoia -

"Later i discovered and am still discovering up to this very moment that it is only by living completely in this world that one learns to believe. one must abandon every attempt to make something of oneself, whether it be a saint, a converted sinner, a churchman (the priestly type, so-called!) a righteous man or an unrighteous one, a sick man or a healthy on. this is what i mean by worldliness - taking life in one's stride, with all its duties and problems, its successes and failures, its experiences and helplessness. it is in such a life that we throw ourselves utterly into the arms of God and participate in trhe sufferings in the world and watch with Christ in Gethsemane.
that is faith, that is metanoia, and that is what makes a man and a Christian.
how can success make us arrogant or failure lead us astray, when we participate in the sufferings of God by living in this world?"

of the search for Wisdom / Meister Eckhart

An inspired search and a desire to read the seeking of Wisdom as described so poetically by Solomon in the book of Proverbs ... i find myself reflecting on what is meant by the fear of God and how it is the beginning of wisdom.

"do you want to please people, or please God?"

the question does not come with an easy answer. all i know is that the desire to please God is the starting point of this journey which i embarked upon. if i had listened hard enough, i would have known of His desires for me, His dreams for me, the visions He still wants me to realise.

and to realise them, i must come to know Wisdom in all her glory and splendour. she is a hard taskmistress. and i struggle. the tears, the sweat, the blood, she has seen them all.

self knowledge, self realisation.
did the saints not talk about this? so afraid of jumping, so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of pain, i have forgotten what makes me great is bigger than what makes me feel good.
i could not have done it then, i was still floundering about for an identity. still seeking out what it is it which moves me towards something more than a life lived purely out of selfish desires.

of course, noble intentions are always good. but then again, how are they concretised?
vague notions of kindness and love and making a difference are all very well, but there's more to living than that.

i think i know better now. the discipline living demands of me now where i am is like iron for my soul...
sufficiently strengthened, shaped and moulded, my time in the furnace, the crucible come and gone, coming to know myself better, the time will come. in the meantime, i will continue to walk in Wisdom's path.

***

a collection of quotes from Meister Eckhart: -

“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us”
compare this to Gandhi's "The divine guidance often comes when the horizon is darkest".

“Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure.”
...still learning how to feel secure.

“To be right, a person must do one of two things: either he must learn to have God in his work and hold fast to him there, or he must give up his work altogether. Since, however, we cannot live without activities that are both human and various, we must learn to keep God I everything we do, and whatever the job or place, keep on with him, letting nothing stand in our way.”
Gloria in excelsis deo. and with all that happens, raise it to the One who knows and loves us best. you know that without You, i am a nobody. thank You for all You have given me and made possible for me to lift your name on high.
let all that has happened to me strengthen me and give me the grace to fulfill your purposes for me. nothing can stop what You have willed, nothing can stand in its way,
only even as i cry out "Lord I believe, help my unbelief" ... You remain patient, and chide me for my lack of faith. human knowledge and discernment fade in the face of Your love and dreams for all of us and in Your infinite wisdom and tenderness.

Here i am, Lord. It is i, Lord,
i have heard You calling in the night,
i will go, Lord, if You lead me.

taking the first step is the hardest. but if i keep looking back, drowning my sorrows by whatever means, i can never move ahead. patience is a virtue, bitter but its fruits are sweet.

speak Lord, your servant is listening.

AMEN.

more words of wisdom

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

Things do not change; we change. ~Henry David Thoreau

One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. ~ Maya Angelou

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. ~ Virginia Woolf

'He is the help of the helpless, the strength of the weak'

this post is dedicated to KS - a friend to whose support i am thankful for.

the following is an excerpt from the book 'Mohandas K. Gandhi - an Autobiography : the Story of my experiments with Truth', my long call gift from Eliz and KS:-

'But in all my trials - of a spiritual nature, as a lawyer, in conducting institutions, and in politics - i can say that God saved me. When every hope is gone, 'when helpers fail and comforts flee,' i find that help arrives somehow, from i know not where. Supplication, worship, prayer are no superstition; they are acts more real than the acts of eating, drinking, sitting or walking. It is no exaggeration to say that they alone are real, all else is unreal.

Such worship or prayer is no flight of eloquence; it is no lip-homage. It springs from the heart.

...

Prayer needs no speech. It is in itself independent of any sensuous effort. i have not the slightest doubt that prayer is an unfailing means of cleansing the heart of passions. But it must be combined with the utmost humility.'

p 62, Chapter XXI 'He is the help of the helpless, the strength of the weak'

Gandhi wasn't a Christian. But what he wrote struck a chord with me, and upon closer meditation of these words, i come to recognise the call inherent in my prayers to God. soundlessly, wordlessly, He calls upon me to cast my cares upon Him, arms outstretched.
what is this life but a means of returning what is His? to render unto God what is God's?

KS, i wish you all the best. and your long call gift to me has been a constant source of encouragement and uplift. thank you again. :)

i must continue striving, if only because a higher power has called me, and believes in me.

wisdom of einstein and my thoughts

the italicised words are Einstein's, the ones in usual font are mine...

I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.

- it always amazes me to make breakthroughs in my thinking. because the mind's range is still as yet unlimited.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

- i hope never to stop questioning either. it would mean something in me has died.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- no, we can't. and i would think myself living evidence of that.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

- it really does begin with your attitude. it helps to know where things belong, and what they truly are. scrap the niceties and the euphemisms - see things as they are. not what they seem or should be.
i temper my expectations but don't sell out on my dreams.
i put paid on reaching the skies in one leap but continue to see the road ahead and take steps there.
i am adapting and changing but don't let go of the Petrina inside.

(i never thought it possible you know, after 7 months or so, but here i am. and i am glad. i had always dreamed, idle visions, until i see myself now...)

more words of wisdom - my 501st Post!

Brutus:
There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

Julius Caesar Act 4, scene 3, 218–224

'I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.' Winston Churchill
(reminiscient of my days at work)

on faithfulness

By faithfulness we are collected and wound up into unity within ourselves, whereas we had been scattered abroad in multiplicity.
- St Augustine

I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
- Mother Teresa

prayer - from head to heart

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.
Soren Kierkegaard

***

in the intervening space between now and the days before, i came to learn the difference between prayer with the head and prayer with the heart.

i found that all this while, my prayer had been my mind speaking to God, sometimes petitioning him and sometimes engaging him in an intellectual debate, trying to get answers out of him on issues which had been bothering me.

i listened to his replies but i was always focused on what to say next. my head was working feverishly to decide the things i needed to sort out in my various mental filing cabinets before i could continue talking to Him in my prayer time.

i have come to learn to let my heart speak to Him instead, sitting still and quietly. and listen with my heart as well.

in doing so, i discovered clarity, peace and better yet, felt for myself the love of a God who gave up His only son for me. i, who have always loved beauty whether in artform or in words, began to feel the stirrings of the most beautiful in my heart. from the start, He has always wanted me to be happy.

my mind still rushes on, hither and thither. but within my heart, there is a space where my God and i speak. and live.

i opened this with a quote from one of my favourite philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard. and i end with another quote from him.

to live the love of God, that is both call and challenge.

***

The highest and most beautiful things in life are not to be heard about, nor read about, nor seen but, if one will, are to be lived.
Soren Kierkegaard

is it possible to love selflessly?

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

i don't pretend i know a lot about love, i am ignorant.
but surely this i know, instinctively, soul deep - i am not intellectual enough to give a long and detailed reasoning for this - that it IS possible to love selflessly.

if we but begin by recognising that all human loves are a reflection for man's love of Divinity, of God, then it becomes possible to love selflessly. man's nature is fallen and fragmented, broken and he loves imperfectly, yet even in that broken image, there is the beginnings of a selfless love, a love that desires the best for the other and to develop and build up the other.

i know this though, i won't reject love again - if it comes knocking.

because He reaches out to me through the simple acts of love in my life, and has been doing so all this while.

[i was inspired to write this after thinking about this for the longest time yet. i'm still refining my understanding, though, and hope to share with all of you my thoughts on this matter again later]

decisions, decisions

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world. ~Anso Coetzer

it takes courage ...

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

Amen.

i am nobody but myself

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~ Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"