and then suddenly

and then suddenly in the midst of a quiet dinner, i felt so lonely.
asking myself what did i do in those empty spaces, like i did now? i would either read a book (i had finished quite a few paperbacks in the months before), reply smses, or write in my prayer journal or update my projects notebook. but for sure i would not feel the lack of conversation. or movement.

i had gotten used to eating alone, and enjoying the solitude, most of the time. such moments were empty spaces. not filled up with activities. but simply empty spaces.

but that night, i simply felt lonely. almost as if i had forgotten what it was like to eat with company, with friends. with family.

you might say - i should have asked someone to join me for dinner, but i don't think that would have solved the problem. or was it even a problem in the first place. maybe finding and/or having a boyfriend might have helped. (as if one could pluck them off trees? the good fruit have long been consumed, and the others range from the overripe to the decaying and rotten)

coming to recognise my desire and love of stillness does not mean i won't feel lonely like i would at times.