the second birth - and beyond

i write this entry simply to describe the beginnings of my second birth, and to chart my tale beyond my second birth. and in essence, to share the good news i have received.

it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that i've been laden for so long with so much emotional baggage that i couldn't imagine a life without those burdens. day in day out, struggle with uncertainty, with a painful lack of self confidence, with the wounds which others and i myself have inflicted on my being all this while ...

so when i started my devotion to the rosary in the month of October, i was the most surprised person. and grace led me to ask for inner healing, because i had begun to sense in myself the festering, gaping wounds within caused by long unresolved matters.

Mother Mary's intercession led to a turn of events i can only describe as providential - and which opened my heart up to truly receiving my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. not just at head level, after all, i had read theology, attended Mass and CG, participated in Bible Study and i grasped many an abstract concept in my Sunday School days where most of my peers were still playing about with puppy love - but truly at heart level. where i was most vulnerable and most hurting.

i learned how to slowly open up my emotional baggage and to look the past in the eye, instead of running away from the pain. and i was able to do that, only because He was there with me.

i learned that unforgiveness, whether of other or of the self, is costly and creates waves of unhappiness which reach out beyond the years into the present and even the future.

i learned that He had always been there, and He was there when i was in my greatest trials. when i felt all alone, and seeing Him in tears, for all of the times i had ignored him brought tears to my own eyes. can you imagine both of us crying? it sounds funny now though ...

i learned that standards are both man made, and God made. and while it's tiring to live by man's standards, God's standards are far more difficult and less wearing out.

life cannot go back to the way it was on so many levels. it's waking up ready to face the day and knowing that everything is in His hands and that gives you courage and strength to deal with the day :D

(will follow up with an entry on prayer - cheers, and keep on praying unceasingly per St Paul)