I was reading the collection of homilies on the Eucharist distributed by SFX last Saturday and two things struck me -
1. when Judas questioned the extravagance of pouring expensive oil on Jesus' feet when it could have been used for the poor; and
2. when the apostles questioned Jesus about the impossibility of feeding 4000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
the first underscored a certain calculative mentality - that if you give XYZ amount away, expect to receive ABC amount in return. i must admit to having had such a mentality for a very long time, and how efficient i was in dividing up what i believed was due to myself. there should then be no issue of extravagance or wastage. all was done with the sums neatly worked out and the balance in my favour.
but as i experienced again, in revelation, this was one sum i had worked out WRONGLY all this while. there are no mathematics in dealing with God and His ways. in fact, it is stated clearly in Isaiah 55 that His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts not our thoughts.
i learned then that to give away in a spirit of true love is never extravagance - we can never give but our best to our Creator and our Lord. true, pragmatism speaks otherwise.
yet, when you consider that He gave His only son to us for our sins (the oft quoted John 3:16), we can never repay Him enough. all we can do is to give our best and our most as an offering to Him in gratitude.
the second is a question of faith. the calculator comes out again - this time determining that it cannot be done, not by human calculation. again, the words of Isaiah 55 come to mind and Jesus proved all the apostles wrong.
the tension between pragmatism and faith has always been there and will always be. looking at the person i am, sometimes i wonder if i can carry out what He has entrusted to me, keeping the faith and believing in His goodness and plan for me. and again and again, He tells me that despite the little which i have, His grace is sufficient for me.
it springs also from the belief that God is a God of abundance. not of miserly dolings out of love, grace and peace but a lavish outpouring of all which is good and gives us growth and happiness. i used to believe in a God who was solemn, serious and never actually wanted us to be happy, only demanding we obey His will. but again, i was proven wrong. Count it all joy, St James said in his first chapter of his letter, and the Gospels speak of the Joys/Beatitudes of being persecuted and in mourning, among others. strange idea of joy, but i am beginning to discover that joy is different from happiness, and comes from somewhere much deeper within where it is longer-lasting and able to see me through so much more. in fact it has opened up the inner space within me to greater dimensions, that i could never imagine.
i don't believe it will be easy. but looking at where i am, i have come some way and i look forward to moving forward with the One who knows and loves me best. the calculator broken down at last - after discovering that it couldn't even count properly in the beginning, never taking into account faith, hope or love - i move on.
He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. ~B.C. Forbes
Faith is putting all your eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch. ~Ramona C. Carroll
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