all those stubborn bits of fat, and the parts of your character you'd rather hide, or that pimply face. or maybe the fact you're slower, not as fast or clever or quick as Bright Eyes over there. or as beautiful and popular as the Social Butterfly fluttering from table to table.
in fact, you look at the mirror sometimes despising your very reflection, wondering if this was all some sort of cosmic joke, and God's having the last laugh on you.
reading those self help books won't help, after the initial burst of feel-good fizz. talking to friends and family depresses you because you think they're just lying to make you feel better - and what the hell. do they think you're worth that little only to lie to you to make you feel better. damn it. you should be worth more, only you don't quite feel it.
so again, do you really love yourself? it's a sin to think God made rejects, and you wonder what kind of smart ass tells you that you're a sinner when you already believe you're doomed to your own spot in hell. the torment of hating yourself, of feeling discomfit in your own skin is a hell on its own, and the black dog of depression and despair is never too far away, waiting to pounce on you and chew you up.
and then you find the only way out, the only through this whole mess is to experience God's unconditional love for you, breaking through the barriers your mind and psyche has put up all this while, to know that despite your many flaws and failings, YOU ARE LOVED. and you find it within you to forgive yourself for not measuring up, and to start appreciating what you have instead.
it's like Robert Frost said, there is no way out but through. and it's love and lashings of God's grace that pull you through. and looking upon the crucifix and the supremely lonely, lost moment when the world stood still and saw Christ hang for our sins - you can see there's a better way of doing things. of being.
you don't start off all hugging yourself and feeling good at first, but slowly and then surely something opens up inside you and you see there's a light at the end of this tunnel. it's a long way ahead, and you got to know you won't be alone on your walk, no matter what you may feel at times.
2 comments:
Haven't catch up with you for a while. Hope all is well for you. Will keep you in my prayers, cheers my friend!
Your god will guide you, reminding you that the right avenue to gain confidence in ourself is to render disinterested love and respect to every human being.
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