one of those days again

one of those days again, when i fell asleep on my bed from dinnertime til about 12 plus, minus showering, minus taking off my contacts. woke up feeling grouchy, joints all coming loose and tired but not tired either i.e. cannot sleep.

so i m still up now.

maybe because i came across something which disturbed me a fair bit yday morning? i think so too. i mean, it's not like i don't respect your choices or the fact you're an adult now, but to think, you were so near and now you've gone so far. i've moved beyond viewing the fundamentals in life in relative terms ... if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
reflecting on things, i didn't think i actually knew who you were...
nevertheless, it doesn't negate the hopes i placed in you, misplaced as they were. hohoho. i put so much hope on an almost complete stranger.

or the feeling, once again, of standing out like a sore thumb. until i learn to let go, gracelessly at first, then gracefully. i mean, these are people, for better or in this case, for worse - whether narrow minded or hypocritical, prone to gossip, there's still something good to be found in them.
and instead of curling up in a corner, fit to die, i m thinking about people who suffer the same way: 'hey you know. i understand what you are going through, all you who get put down like that. i know the texture and taste of this pain and rejection - and you know what, you'll make it through'.
just don't give up. easier said than done, though. i m still hanging on by sheer grace!

the stress of unmet deadlines, looming ominously on the horizon. a million and one uncompleted tasks - some which involve so many others! and writers' block is not helping any.

sometimes i doubt my own judgment, but then again, if i don't start learning to trust myself, when will i do so? now is a good time. :D besides, i m the only one who actually knows me, body, soul, mind.

broiled cocktail sausages + a cup of cold soyabean for dinner.
i m sure i'll look like crap come time for work. but hey, i've been through worse. and trust me on this, there's nothing that my God cannot handle. or in other cases, give me His grace to see me through.

if you're reading this, pls pray for me. all petitions greatly appreciated. Amen.

the second birth - and beyond

i write this entry simply to describe the beginnings of my second birth, and to chart my tale beyond my second birth. and in essence, to share the good news i have received.

it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that i've been laden for so long with so much emotional baggage that i couldn't imagine a life without those burdens. day in day out, struggle with uncertainty, with a painful lack of self confidence, with the wounds which others and i myself have inflicted on my being all this while ...

so when i started my devotion to the rosary in the month of October, i was the most surprised person. and grace led me to ask for inner healing, because i had begun to sense in myself the festering, gaping wounds within caused by long unresolved matters.

Mother Mary's intercession led to a turn of events i can only describe as providential - and which opened my heart up to truly receiving my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. not just at head level, after all, i had read theology, attended Mass and CG, participated in Bible Study and i grasped many an abstract concept in my Sunday School days where most of my peers were still playing about with puppy love - but truly at heart level. where i was most vulnerable and most hurting.

i learned how to slowly open up my emotional baggage and to look the past in the eye, instead of running away from the pain. and i was able to do that, only because He was there with me.

i learned that unforgiveness, whether of other or of the self, is costly and creates waves of unhappiness which reach out beyond the years into the present and even the future.

i learned that He had always been there, and He was there when i was in my greatest trials. when i felt all alone, and seeing Him in tears, for all of the times i had ignored him brought tears to my own eyes. can you imagine both of us crying? it sounds funny now though ...

i learned that standards are both man made, and God made. and while it's tiring to live by man's standards, God's standards are far more difficult and less wearing out.

life cannot go back to the way it was on so many levels. it's waking up ready to face the day and knowing that everything is in His hands and that gives you courage and strength to deal with the day :D

(will follow up with an entry on prayer - cheers, and keep on praying unceasingly per St Paul)

to think she was different

what does it feel like to look up to someone, think hey, she's different, she's not like the others, she has honour, courage, intelligence, the willingness to work hard and maybe even some kindness and understanding? she stood out, stood above heads and shoulders of those around her. you could sense it. you knew - here was someone you really wanted to learn from and to work for. she was special.

what does it feel like to really care for that someone? to remember her likes and dislikes? to work your hardest and best for her? to wish her only the best?

and then to find that she thinks you're worthless. an outsider. not one of them. a problem case. a misfit. and because of that, you're where you are today. you know it's for the best, but it hurts no less.

you're reeling from betrayal more than anger. you're hurting because quite unlike so many hypocrites putting on a show of steadfastness, you really felt that affection and loyalty. and the tears tell you something - either you stop caring in the future or find someone who deserves that affection and loyalty.
or maybe, just maybe, undeserved as it is, pray for her success and happiness.
(you don't wish her ill, never have, you just want to move on and know real peace of mind)

for God allows evil that greater good may emerge of that evil.