Our heart is restless

You are great, O Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your power and your wisdom is without measure. And man, so small a part of your creation, wants to praise you: this man, though cloaked with mortality and bearing the evidence of sin and the proof that you withstand the proud. Despite everything, man, though but a small part of your creation, wants to praise you. You yourself encourage him to delight in your praise, for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

St Augustine - Confessions

the sparkle and shine of a life well lived

the sparkle and shine of a life well lived do not always translate into a sparkling and shiny body, whole and immaculately perfect.

what do i mean? i mean that a life well lived does not mean that the body will be spared. in fact the reverse is true ... in that living life well, we will necessarily go through many different experiences, some fun, some not so fun, some bordering on hellish.
and each will play their part in forming who we are. and leaving marks on our body.

i like to look back and see i m not afraid of new experiences, not so much at least, and taking the future one day and one step at a time. the empty dread which used to greet me when i opened my eyes (especially true round this time last year) has given way to something far more hopeful and far more wonderful than i could ever imagine.

i might end up alone and unloved. unmourned, unremembered. no one to dispel the darkness of the night, spending holidays and festive occasions by myself. i might stay stuck in a dead end job, walking into an abyss that bodes a fate worse than death.
OR
i might find that each day has its own share of delight ... and that alone or not, i am never lonely when i remember that my Creator loves me. and service is what i aim for, being a libation poured out for all. no matter who, whether i like you or not - for my service is born of love, a pale reflection of my Lord's love for me. if i serve best as a single, so be it. if my service is called forth more fully in married life, so be it. if through His call for me, the religious life beckons, so be it.

taking the steps of faith, i'm amazed i came this far. who knows what will happen next? i don't ... and i m not out to second guess Him.

come what may, Lord, you are with me always. and let there be the sparkle and shine of a life well lived be reflected in my eyes, my smile and my laughter - regardless of how i may be feeling at the moment, or what i have to endure in serving You. :)

one of those days again

one of those days again, when i fell asleep on my bed from dinnertime til about 12 plus, minus showering, minus taking off my contacts. woke up feeling grouchy, joints all coming loose and tired but not tired either i.e. cannot sleep.

so i m still up now.

maybe because i came across something which disturbed me a fair bit yday morning? i think so too. i mean, it's not like i don't respect your choices or the fact you're an adult now, but to think, you were so near and now you've gone so far. i've moved beyond viewing the fundamentals in life in relative terms ... if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
reflecting on things, i didn't think i actually knew who you were...
nevertheless, it doesn't negate the hopes i placed in you, misplaced as they were. hohoho. i put so much hope on an almost complete stranger.

or the feeling, once again, of standing out like a sore thumb. until i learn to let go, gracelessly at first, then gracefully. i mean, these are people, for better or in this case, for worse - whether narrow minded or hypocritical, prone to gossip, there's still something good to be found in them.
and instead of curling up in a corner, fit to die, i m thinking about people who suffer the same way: 'hey you know. i understand what you are going through, all you who get put down like that. i know the texture and taste of this pain and rejection - and you know what, you'll make it through'.
just don't give up. easier said than done, though. i m still hanging on by sheer grace!

the stress of unmet deadlines, looming ominously on the horizon. a million and one uncompleted tasks - some which involve so many others! and writers' block is not helping any.

sometimes i doubt my own judgment, but then again, if i don't start learning to trust myself, when will i do so? now is a good time. :D besides, i m the only one who actually knows me, body, soul, mind.

broiled cocktail sausages + a cup of cold soyabean for dinner.
i m sure i'll look like crap come time for work. but hey, i've been through worse. and trust me on this, there's nothing that my God cannot handle. or in other cases, give me His grace to see me through.

if you're reading this, pls pray for me. all petitions greatly appreciated. Amen.