temptations and the season of lent

it's far too hot now for my liking, i m sweating even as i type this. the kind of heat that settles into the deepest pores of your skin and forces the sweat out and you feel your entire body on fire.

now perhaps it's only time that those old and bitter memories float to the surface - awaiting another round of challenge this season of lent. the faces, the names, most days they don't mean a thing. some days, especially in seasons like these, they come up with a vengeance.
my own.
sometimes i wish that i had told off that stupid overzealous religious nut what i thought of him, instead of being so accepting and polite, and letting the anger inside simmer. you don't fool me, no, keep on smiling, and i'll still see those fangs beneath the lips - devil that you are.
sometimes i wish i had adamantium claws and like Wolverine, i would claw out at those fools, those who had dared to render me such humiliation. and watch, as the pieces of skin fall on the floor, mixed with a congealed mass of blood.

it's only to be expected - these trial(s). come the season, i sit alone, struggling with these feelings, trying to remind myself that i am who i am now, new challenges await my attention and effort, relationships which require my love and affection.

the sense of loss which accompanies these feelings (as they arise) is something i used to ignore. but looking more deeply, i think it's time to acknowledge the pain and suffering i had gone through. even if it means that some parts of my past are places i'd rather not revisit. nothing takes kindly to rejection, nothing lives to its fullest when it is pushed away from the light.
yet i believe that even when pressed to re-enter those places, i will still be able to move through them in the light of grace.

those who are already pure have no need of further purification. even if i run away to the ends of the earth, i would still hold these burdens within me.
and in recognising how impure i am within, how much bitterness is still within me (although much less powerful now), i invite Him to be with me as He has promised to make all things beautiful in His time.

i know i have healed completely when as a matter of course, the memories return and i am bitter no more.