from eros to agape / grace / discerning the path

for the longest time, he was my best friend. i'm still not sure when i fell in love. or when it all changed into something else. but we saw each other through good and bad moments, we cried together in the face of the death of one of his dearest friends, and we celebrated each other's successes and cherished the dreams we held deep in our hearts.
we shared something so beautiful - every single Friday, i lose count now, i waited for his e-mail, and ready to write something in return.

he probably didn't know this, but he always made me smile. whether online. or in person.

whatever was there shattered into one million and one pieces that fateful day. and he told me, he stopped believing in God. stopped trusting in people. told me to STOP praying for him. even though he knew it would break my heart-which it did, inevitably. he made me promise to stop, through the tears that were streaming down. my somewhat disordered personal universe crashed and burned, turned upside down.

it took me a countless number of poems, a round of alcohol, some stupid things i did in the search for a stop to this pain, so many times driving about in circles crying, and finally Christ alone to heal this broken heart. and much more importantly, to shift the love which i had for him (and he to me) from eros to agape. to truly will the good for him.

i came to realise that i m not his saviour. i couldn't be the person to show him that God is love - my shoulders are far too frail for that. i can pray for people to meet him and touch his life and open his eyes up to seeing God as a loving creator who accepts him as he is. (how's that for circumventing the promise i made earlier? law school is useful for something, no? ;)

happy birthday in advance. here's to friendship. and prayer. lots of it!

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grace is what happens when we trust in Him. and that means even in the midst of confusion and tiredness and stress, you see a way out and holding His hand, move even-footed into the future, with a steadily beating heart.

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another life choice? given the circumstances, it wasn't really that unlikely. i m currently discerning the path. 3 choices - and all 3, not without their attractions and fears.
the fact is, regardless, i cannot count on this life to contain in it the sum total of meaning and happiness and no matter the path i eventually take, it is to glorify His name and draw myself and others closer to Him which must be done.

keep me in prayer too, please. and if the end result surprises you, i think it will surprise me even more.

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