who are you?

the woman died after a long life, she considered she had quite a rich and varied life...she thought of her family, her friends, her cats, the flowers in the garden, her own parents...the pictures played in her mind's eye as finally she reached the Pearly Gates.

and there St Peter asked her, before he would let her in: who are you?

glibly, smoothly, she answered with her name. the name given her by her parents. the name she was known by in her earthly life.

and again St Peter asked her, almost as if he had not heard : who are you?

she tried another tack, she replied that she was married to a Mr X and had y number of children.

still the same question he asked in response: who are you?

she began to look flustered, she spoke of her doings, what she liked, what she hated, what she believed in, what she was good at, she kept on speaking, hoping to hit the mark. but she never did. and so at last, when she had exhausted herself, she could no longer describe herself or what she had taken herself to stand for...she was silent, and again, St Peter asked her yet again: who are you?

and some days just come down to this. wondering who i am, more than a name and an identity - some which was given to me at birth and some which i have crafted for myself, wondering and wandering in the desert with a million burning questions searing into my mind, right into the heartlands of what makes me me.
days i feel i spend alone, although around me there is much movement, and so much noise. the interior is always quiet, though. the silence comforts, depth is to be found in the absence of sound, but for the beating of my heart, which has begun to slow down after its initial burst of speed...
who am i, if you take away my name, my face, my religion, my gifts, my failings, my humiliations, my successes, all that the world deems makes a person who he or she is? who am i indeed...?
does the lack of an identity, so to speak, mean that i am no longer who i was? or have i become pure spirit...one now no longer unbounded by body...? soul?
i wander again, and i stop for awhile for the journey is long, and i have begun to tire.

and as i place my tired eyes upon the horizon, where the sun is already setting, i sense a presence. i am surprised, although i should not be. it is God, and His light radiates. and He does not say anything. i too, in my surprise, do not say anything. and we both look at each other for the longest while.
i have always known my heartlands to be a place far, far away from any ties, human or otherwise. it is deep within, a secret place that defies all my feeble attempts at description - it is where long before i have reached where i am in the real world, i have existed.
and here i discover God whom i had only vaguely associated with sunday Mass and the gospels, and i wonder what He is doing here.
in His silence, in the shared silence that draws both of us in, i begin to understand...my eyes begin to see something new...who am i indeed, when all the world has ended? and i can no longer rely on humankind or life itself for answers? and i am here, alone, with my Lord, silent...?

i am who i am. the core of my being. the centre that knows no turmoil, despite the surface rages and tempests of an unruly life. the desert that is life-giving, the desert where God is with me, always. the part of me that remains unchangeable and unshakeable, in a purity i find at such odds with the tattered, soiled fabric i call my heart and soul. the part that is tranquility, solace, love and faith...the part that watches, and finds comprehension in the most incomprehensible of things, and allows me to see how it is possible to be connected, and yet be a detached being. there are many things i am only beginning to see, there are many things i cannot as yet bend my mind toward...but i have faith, and where logic can no longer prevail, my self takes a leap over the philosophical roadblock. the chasm awaits, but i am not afraid.

truly, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. truly, we are made in His image and likeness...

and if St Peter should ask, i may not be able to answer. words can only go so far. but i would have known a little more, and seen a little more. and perhaps he might understand...