In front of the TV she sat with a bowl of groundnuts and a can of coke. She always enjoyed watching Stephen Chow movies and methodically, she cracked open the groundnuts, popping them into her mouth one after another. She laughed so hard, she did not keep track of the number of groundnuts she was eating or the coke that was rapidly sliding down her throat. After awhile, she had finished her supply and was ready to replenish it.
She was happiest eating. Food did not disappoint her, it did not betray her, it did not go behind her back and say mean things and yet seem so kind on the outside. Food comforted her, kept her heart and body warm and filled her up. She had such a long love affair with food and though her hand danced with visions of a boyfriend and romance, she doubted her capabilities in this area, choosing to stay steadfastly with her first love. Food was rich and chocolate and cake and chips and burgers. Food was snacks at any time of the day. Food was always there for her.
And so she sits with her spoon in a 2 ℓ tub of ice cream, licking it. She would not believe you if you asked her if she ached inside.
She would laugh and say she felt fine and offer you some ice cream.
You might even believe her after a while. But if you looked just that little bit closer, you could see tear tracks on her chubby cheeks. And you might guess that the food did not fill the emptiness; that void within her. So she still hungered and yet, groping blindly about for something to ease that hunger. That deep, fundamental hunger.
She would have thought she found that something.
But you know better.
Written : March 2005, inspired by Geneen Roth's Feeding the Hungry Heart.
all of you women have been brave, and i salute each and every one of you, understanding, knowing, empathising as only an insider can.
my love to all who keep on struggling, it is worth something in the end, i believe it, i know it...!
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