101 reasons not to be a lawyer...

the life of a lawyer is indeed perilous, and filled with many dangers...who can foresee the hidden traps and unseen monsters, wild beasts and treacherous plant life that lie in wait for the unwary lawyer in the midst of the frightening legal jungle...

presenting...the occupational hazards faced by lawyers...

firstly, the paper cut. the ubiquitous paper cut, the unsuspecting lawyer faces this potentially life-threatening injury with particular emphasis on the finger regions when he or she handles large stacks of paper in the form of dry,dusty and sometimes musty documents.
ah, the blood...one can almost faint at the sight of the tiny droplets of blood that come out, bright red and most importantly, staining the legal document in question as such as whether it is still presentable before the judge/client.

secondly, brain cancer. the name speaks for itself. the massive amounts of thinking required leaves law no task for the feeble-minded, and one of the sad but inevitable consequences of such thinking is the onset of brain cancer. how does one avoid this? a lawyer is indeed paid to think. perhaps an insurance of the brain may be in order. depending on the amount of actual thinking as compared to socialising, the costs may range from affordable to highly prohibitive.

thirdly, lung cancer and/or cirhosis of the liver. noting the stress buildup from the argumentative and sometimes artificial nature of law, lawyers often turn to stress-relievers such as cigarettes* and alcohol. because as they work hard, they too play hard. this has given rise to a quaint little ditty which goes:
smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish. if you don't die of lung cancer, you'll die of cirhosis of the liver.

and one simply cannot forget the many blisters lawyers suffer from wearing tight, cramped court shoes in (where else?) court, facing the judges. these blisters may prove slow to heal due to repeated friction on the same areas of the foot in question, causing qualified medical personnel to suspect diabetes mellitus, a debilitating disease that has unwanted side effects of blindness, gangrene and foot amputations. indeed, who could foresee the tragic consequences from a mere blister? so, once again, the occupational hazards are nothing to sniff at.

litigation itself presents hazards in the form of judgitis, a malady which affects the judiciary, causing the build-up of a huge ego and a mean temper and has further detrimental effects on lawyers before the bench, wobbly knees and shaky submissions and most tragically, irreparable damage to their self-esteem.

and you know you've been a lawyer or in the industry for far too long when you start using jargonese or legalese instead of good plain English, for example, 'lacuna' when what you mean is gap and slipping into moot style filled with 'i submit', 'my lords', 'i beg your indulgence' and the ever-reliable, ultra-stuffy 'much obliged'...and also crossing at zebra crossings, not because it is safer, but because it will be easier to bring an action against any reckless drivers who run you down...and invoking the officious bystander and business efficacy test so as to prevent the restaurant from charging you for a scented napkin you don't even use.

so now that you've heard all this...do you still want to be a lawyer? if no, you're smart, get away as soon as you can, cos they're damned anyway...and if yes, you're insane and you fit right in. here's your pitchfork and the horns are just on their way...!
you don't have to be nuts to work here, but it sure helps. :)

smiles and hugs...

DISCLAIMER :THE WRITERS WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES, DAMAGE, LOSS OF LIFE, LIMB OR FORTUNE, PSYCHIATRIC ILLNESS, EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, SUDDEN PARALYTIC STROKES, OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO EAT CHOCOLATE BROWNIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SCREAMS AND SHOUTS FROM THE SHOCK, DISTURBANCES IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM, RIPPLES IN THE FORCE, LACK OF FAITH IN ESTABLISHED INSTITUTIONS, A SUDDEN DESIRE TO BASH ALL LAWYERS UP (AS IF THEY DON'T SUFFER ENOUGH ALREADY), ALIENATION BY NEIGHBOURS, FRIENDS, FAMILY, ACQUAINTANCES, STRANGERS AND VISITORS FROM BETELGEUSE 5, A FETISH FOR LONG BLACK ROBES AND TIGHT BLACK SHOES AND ANY OR ALL OTHER ASSORTED AFFLICTIONS,AILMENTS, DISORDERS, INDISPOSITIONS, INFIRMITIES, MALAISE, MALADIES, DISEASES, DISCOMFORTS OR ALL OTHER SIGNS OF ILL HEALTH, WHETHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED AS A RESULT OF READING THIS SERIOUS MEDICAL REPORT.

this medical report was brought to you by the combined efforts and joint insanity of silmarien and petrina7.

have a nice day, hope we didn't put you off your food. note: we (heart) lawyers!
for 2 sen, we will found a SPCL (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lawyers) first of all dedicated to reducing the deplorably large number of lawyer jokes in the world today.
remember : lawyers provide an important public service, even leeches, ticks and maggots have their purposes in God's grand scheme of things.

petrina7 also wishes to plug her Save Petrina Fund, in existence since 1999 (it's like the EPF, only different because the contributions are for ME, and not YOU)...remember, every little sen helps to save Petrina... if you can donate money to save the dugongs, why not her? what to save her from? hidup menjadi-jadi dengan petrina7, she is a SIRIM certified 100% weirdo and trouble magnet... save her from demented taxi drivers, and strange men who demand to know about the um law library and sneering seniors, and nasty geniuses who don't work well with stupid people...

*in fact, one of the co-writers of this post almost took up smoking... would you like to (ahem) hazard a guess? no flowers, no prizes, donations to the Save Petrina Fund will do.