It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Not being of such literary pretensions, I feel that when I have nothing to say, I say nothing. That explains why there are large gaps in my work and why when I do write, it’s lengthy and detailed. Not a justification, but a statement of fact.

I have been reading lately, and I find the philosophers of old to be pretty interesting especially Spinoza and Kierkeergad. The question of the existence of God is age old. But Spinoza successfully identified God to be beyond human understanding. At this point, my reasoning concurs with his. Why do people doubt God? Because of the existence of evil. Why do people believe in Him? His goodness, no less. But such are the limits of human reasoning, we cannot see things on a larger scale or from broader perspectives. Our limited concepts of both good and evil call for a realisation of His existence and His presence in our lives. I also appreciate Kierkeergad’s disregard for Sunday Christianity which is a cheap expression of faith. If one chooses to be a Christian, it is for life, not for a day or two. Or how we compartmentalize our Saviour? From Genesis, it is already made clear that ‘I AM WHO I AM’. There is no means of putting Him into a box and demanding that He act in ways we understand or in ways we benefit. There is a wisdom that will always elude us and belongs strictly to the Father. And His actions, His ways, they stay within His grasp.
When I consider some parts of my life, I wonder at the parts that don’t fit. I have often questioned Him about this. And today, in all awe, in wonder, I content myself with what has been given me, no questions asked. Sometimes, flashes of comprehension light the darkened corners…but this is an understanding with boundaries. I will never know, till I lie on my deathbed. And I hope that it will be worth it. More than hope is knowledge that all pieces fit together. No one was born without a purpose …

The case of Mohd Farid was shocking. But not so to me. I’m not here to analyse what or why or to add my two sens’ worth to the discussion already so heated in the papers. You see…I was bullied in school. Bullying was an external event, and though I was only form 1 then, I knew instinctively that I had to find internal solace and strength. The school authorities failed me in a sense. What protection could they give me? Bullies sometimes are poor at school, but these girls were not stupid. They knew when to strike and would have paid scant heed to warnings or disciplinary action, being veterans at demerits and disorder. I was at the age when parental interference was ineffective. I had no recourse to a gang, being much of a loner. I was in a poor class, and struggling with my studies to advance to the better classes. At any given evening, if I made a misstep, I could expect to be turned into pulp courtesy of their boyfriends who were ‘true’ gangsters. In short, I was not equipped to fight this battle.

Despite the odds stacked against me, I rose. I learned to build and re-build my confidence at every encounter after they had torn it to shreds. I learned the determined art of patience and endurance from every taunt they threw at me. I learned from fear and pain. At no point am I encouraging bullying…just pointing out that at any point of external forces bearing upon you, it is always wisdom to seek internal strength.
The secret tears and the not – so – secret tears I shed were the water to nourish this plant of belief and courage.

The story ends 3 years later. I m in form 4 and one of them shouts a taunt to my face. I turn, my back straight, no longer hunched and burdened from their cutting and crude words, and I walk off. No swaggering pride, no arrogant sneer. I walk off simply because their words have lost their power over me. it has taken 3 long years.

This incident is not without its effects.
Firstly, I have gained in compassion and maturity and in endurance. Believe me when I say that you do not know how much you can take until you are pushed to the limits. I have also gained an understanding of human nature, and I m quite ready to help bully victims find solace within, when it seems there is nowhere to turn to.
Secondly, I have come to hate bullies. Yes, I admit freely I dislike this particular bunch of people, but I have no nightmares about them. I passed that stage in forms 2 and 3. No more daydreams of vengeance or muttered threats when I look back. I have come to regard this as but one of the manifold battles in my life. Nothing so spectacular. In short, I am somewhat over them. Nevertheless the very fact that my voice rises in a passion when I speak of them or bullies in general indicates that I will probably never like them or be totally forgetful of this. This is good. I cannot allow the lessons I learned to be forgotten too.
This also merits a stance of interference when I am in a position to do so. I will not stand by and let injustice be done.

My conclusion is this…there is nothing light hearted about bullying. It is not minor, and it definitely hurts a lot. It wounds the self esteem and pushes a person even lower. I’m speaking from experience here. It is not just teasing or rejection. It is something that can scar and injure seriously. But there is always a better way. There IS always a way that does not involve suicide or fighting back to no avail. And that way is:
Prayer
Perseverance
And Growth, ultimately.
I owe the good Lord His protection and wisdom through these trying times. I owe much to my mother who encouraged me in my struggles, and who led me to my growth.

This has also been a stepping stone to the development of a compassionate way of thinking. Love comes from pain. I consider this in some way a blessing, as I am able to understand better how my fellow sisters and brothers have suffered too and in so doing, offer comfort and a helping hand. In all things, consider it all joy.

I dedicate this blog to the memory of all victims of bullying, esp Mohd Farid and those who have died of this cause. I offer my prayers and love that all of us may find, instead of the thorns of painful memories…a bloom of growth and maturity.
God bless!